36/F HW 440 CW 240 GW ???
I reached this milestone several days ago. It didn't feel much different than 175 or 195 or even 100 so I wasn't even sure I would make a post. I didn't even do anything to celebrate. I wasn't even excited enough to use an exclamation point in the title. But people are following my progress here, and I always hope to inspire someone by sharing. (I didn't expect to write so much; apologies for the length).
Some recent life progresses and improvements since escaping super morbid obesity: I started a volunteer job with the Red Cross. I'm thrilled to be helping with Blood Services as it is another way to honor my Dad (who died of leukemia). I have not held a job out of my home for several years. So, huge NSV! I also booked (a kind) of dream trip to Eastern Europe during Christmas (this has been a long-held dream for nearly 20 years). I am also renovating my room (it has been a depressing and derelict space for the past seven years I have lived here - you'll see my new room in my next progress pic).
As I continue on my journey, I realize more and more it really isn't about food. It is about pain; it is about healing. If anything, my journey has been a psychological one. Food really feels incidental at this point. I had to deal with pain I had been suppressing (by eating it away) for DECADES. I had to learn to emotionally cope without overeating and bingeing. I had to feel. I had to allow myself to feel. I had to stop the cycle of self-abuse - the physical, emotional, and psychological abuse I had been heaping upon myself, again, for decades. Currently, I'm working on forgiving myself for disfiguring my body. As I notice more and more sagging skin (my inner thighs are getting bad now), it has been difficult to not feel bitter and regretful. Forgiving myself and forgiving people who have abused and harmed me have been an important part of my healing.
A bit on my "diet" (mostly generalizations, but I hope it's helpful anyway):
- When I started again, I decided no more quick fixes, no more fad diets, no more "do the latest craze that produces the fastest results." Those fast results are usually good motivators but I knew it would eventually fail, like the previous attempts. I just couldn't manage to stick with them for more than a few months, at most. I needed something sustainable for *me.* If I wanted to lose weight permanently, I knew my eating habits needed to change permanently too. So I decided I'm not restricting myself (like those diets required) again. Severe restrictions just led me to eventually binge. I didn't want to eat off a list. I didn't want to Google "acceptable foods on the xyz diet" before I went grocery shopping. I thought, "I will discover a healthy way of eating that I enjoy and that doesn't feel punishing, that doesn't have a laundry list of "forbidden food," and that doesn't send me into a panic when my food environment is out of my control." I wanted to eat fruit. Fruit is healthy. There's no earthly reason not to have a piece of damn fruit if I'm hungry. Plenty of healthy people eat fruit. And yogurt. And other healthy carbs I enjoyed eating already. I wanted my "forbidden" food list to be as short as possible. I knew I could learn portion control. I knew I could learn balance. I knew I could learn my binge triggers. So after some trial and error (and cumulatively, that took several months), I developed a new healthy way of eating that I enjoyed, that is varied enough so I don't get bored, and isn't overly restrictive. But is it restrictive? Of course, a calorie deficit is necessary to lose weight. But instead of being restrictive with the type of food, I'm restrictive with the portions instead. This is much more tolerable for me. There is only one food that is on my forbidden list: fast food. I learned early on that fast food triggers my cravings immensely and for literally everything. It took a while for me to learn what will trigger binges and cravings for me. I have found there are both physical and emotional binge triggers. Certain amounts of food and even certain intervals of food, stress, emotions, and boredom are all binge triggers for me. I learned too much *added* sugar will trigger cravings for more sugar. I learned after a day of "relaxed eating" (a cheat day, if you will - the interval that works for me is every ten days or so), I MUST eat healthy the very next day, or I will risk a snowball of falling back into unhealthy habits. I had a day of relaxed eating last month (it was my birthday and yes, I had cake), and boy howdy, did I have a perfectly well-balanced day of healthy eating the very next day. I used to celebrate my birthday by a week-long binge of any and everything I wanted. One year, I ate a two pound rum cake in one sitting. I have now realized that abusing my body with food is no way to celebrate. This year, I celebrated my birthday with a 1.5 hour walk through botanical gardens. Now that was a way to celebrate. Part of my mantra of my journey is "be kind to your body."
- I'm very confident I won't have any trouble eating this way every day for the rest of my life. I have lost tons of weight, and I've stuck with it for longer than I have with anything else. It'll be a year soon since re-starting (note: I lost and gained varying amounts of weight during the past three years doing the fad diets and was not 440 when I re-started. I have *NOT* lost 200 pounds in less than a year). Do I have slip-ups? Yep, sure do. But I don't panic. I don't starve myself the next day or exercise for two extra hours. Instead, I tell myself I'm human, imperfect, and my body deserves better than whatever junk I happened to put in it during that slip-up. And I go back to my well-balanced, healthy eating. Consistency is *very* important. I have had plenty of slip-up days, but I've had substantially more healthy eating days. I also no longer view food as "good" or "bad." I'm working on repairing my relationship with food, and I can't do that if food is an enemy.
- I always tell people: if you can't envision yourself eating your new "diet" EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, there is a good chance it is not a sustainable way of eating for you. That's what it takes for diets to work long-term. If you go back to what you were eating before, you will regain the weight. If you dream of one day, finally getting to eat carbs or whatever again, then you're probably going to gain the weight back. Your diet isn't a prison; You shouldn't dream of being free of it one day. Find something that's effective yet still has some enjoyment. If you are feeling misery and deprivation with what you are trying, ditch it and try something else. Your new diet shouldn't induce panic, high levels of stress, or a crazy amount of worry, in any situation. You shouldn't have to work your life around your diet. It should be incorporated into your life without major disruptions. Don't force yourself to eat things you don't enjoy and don't deprive yourself of things you love. Learn balance and moderation.
- A quick note on food addiction: I have struggled with a bad sugar addiction. I have to be careful with sugar now. I had to learn my thresholds for it; I had to learn intervals and amounts where I risk triggering a binge. But I don't completely abstain because I enjoy it and can't bear a life without the occasional donut (and no thanks, I don't want a keto donut). I just had to learn how to manage my addiction to it. I absolutely understand that some people can't manage it, even a little bit, and it is necessary to eliminate it. You may be one of those people. It is our burden as food addicts to learn our thresholds for certain foods. I learned I *can* manage it, so I'm going to continue to enjoy it in moderation.
- I know this all fairly general, and people want to be told EXACTLY what to eat, and when, and how much. But it isn't as simple as that. I can't tell you what to eat. I don't know your likes and dislikes. I don't know your lifestyle. I don't know your environment. What I do may spectacularly fail for you.
- I *do* count calories. I *do* exercise. I think both are very important for me to finish my journey and settle into being a successful maintainer. I did not count calories the first few months when I was in my trial and error phase. I still lost weight because I was making better choices, even while figuring out what worked best for me. I HIGHLY recommend keeping a food diary, as this was how I learned my binge triggers and necessary intervals and amounts of occasional indulgences. Yes, even log your binges. Log everything. Study it. Look for patterns.
I am living, breathing proof this can be done without any kind of medical intervention. There is hope for all of the super morbidly obese, even those who are completely and utterly alone, like I am. Three years ago, I was the 400+ pound woman who only went out to go through drive-thrus and spent 23 out of 24 hours of the day in bed with absolutely no human interaction. Nearly everything about that life has changed now. I really feel like I've taken the hardest route possibly, without any kind of therapy (which I will readily admit I do need) or surgical procedures. It is hard, but not impossible.
TLDR: I lost 200 pounds (without surgery). I'm feeling things instead of eating them away; I'm healing from past trauma. I eat a well-balanced and healthy diet. I do count calories and exercise. I do have occasional indulgences. A diet that is working for other people might not work for you. Find a healthy way of eating that works for you and your life. Use trial and error to learn what healthy habits you can permanently adapt into your lifestyle. Learn your triggers and learn to manage your addictions. Sometimes, complete abstinence from certain foods will be necessary. Sustainability is hugely important for successful, long-term weight loss.
I truly wish everyone success and peace in their journeys. Thanks for following mine, and I'll see you again at 220!
If you want to read more about the psychological side of my journey, there is more about it in my comment history. It is not terribly easy to write about as it is intensely personal.
Oh, the progress pics. I have taken a lot, at different stages. I have kept nearly all of the various clothes in my "before" pics.https://imgur.com/a/X6OAJvB
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