I need help overcoming binge-eating addiction. This is my story.

This will be a long one, so you can jump to the end for a bolded TL;DR with the questions neatly formatted.

That said, let's dive into the brunt of the issue: I'm a binge-eating addict. I'm a food addict. I do not know how to take control of these facets of who I am.

I say addict for a number of reasons. The first being that my brain does not let go of the idea of eating, even when I'm objectively not hungry. My brain wants the next chemical high from eating; and as I finish one meal, I'm planning the next. "What do I get to eat later!?". It's like christmas morning to my brain; the excitement and anticipation.. it's like an impossibly positive association that is nearly unshakable.

Another thing is, people would often say "Well, have a cheat day!" - The thing is, if I had a cheat day, that was it for me. Cheating means binge eating. Binge eating means throwing red meat to the invasive thoughts. If I do it so much as once, it results in a horrific backslide. I cheat, and binge, my brain is immediately calculating once that binge ends when it will get to do that again.

There's another aspect that makes it addiction to be touched on later, for now, the last way I know it's addiction is because I absolutely go through withdraw, and during that time I OBSESS over eating; and it's not just 'an item', it's 'A lot of x item'. If I want tacos, and I'm in a binge-withdrawl, I don't want 1-3 tacos, no, I want 12 tacos. And a burrito. With extra guac and sour cream. I can't cheat my brain with "one taco", because that's not what my brain wants. I can't cheat my brain with "a tiny bowl of alfredo" because my brain wants a heaping plate with extra cheese.

Food is often a reward for me as well. A comfort. Having a tough day? Get through that tough day, lets get pizza! Have a big success? Sushi feast! Often, I cannot even keep the motivation to attempt to control it; the beast, so to speak, runs wild.

In my life, I've tried and had differing success with a variety of diets. I did Keto back when it was still called 'Atkins' - I lost a ton of weight! 40 pounds in two months. Aaaaand, I proceeded to put it all back on, because meals of 6 burger patties, and other similarly huge portions of meat don't train you well to maintain when you end ketosis. I found Keto easy, because I was never big on carbs or sugars. I love savory foods like meats, cheeses, and so forth. But it didn't address the core fundamental issues with my dietary habits.

The most holistically successful diet I was on (that is to say, not in pounds lost, but in healthy choices) was a restrictive CICO with what basically constituted a small menu of available food items, which I wouldn't eat outside of. I lost around 40 pounds on that diet, and I noticed two very interesting things:

First, I could resist ANY temptation. Food held no sway over me, and had no grip on my mind. This is the second point as to why I KNOW it's addiction: With the addiction withdraw overcame, the invasive thoughts and incessant demands by my brain to go eat that yummy food were just gone. I could take an offer of a single french fry, and not suddenly desire an extra large fry with a burger.

Second, and the most disturbing: I did not look on my former habits with scorn. I looked back on them with envy. Yes, I was thinner, yes, I was healthier, I was cuter (if people's reactions to me were anything to go off of) but I still looked back on those taco binges as happy times. Happy times I would no longer have.

This cemented it as addiction to me. This was not unlike what I'd heard ex-smokers say when they thought about smoking.

And of course, me posting here, this is my history, after all. I slipped up and binge ate. The invasive thoughts were back, sated only by binge eating, and I put on twice the weight i lost.

I'm 30 years old now. I had hoped against hope that by now I'd be down to a healthy weight, but it has been a struggle my whole life. I'm hoping some of this resonated with you guys, and maybe, just maybe, with some tips, advice, and support, I can overcome this once and for all.

TL;DR: I am a binge eating addict full stop. Food is often a reward for me. I cannot shake the positive memories associated with binging, even when no longer addicted. I need help.

That all said, I guess my questions would be as follows:

1. What do you do to treat yourself, besides food? The chemical dopamine hit is so easy and so instant, I have not been able to find a replacement. I've tried picking out a nice piece of clothes, but my body type is weird, so often instead of feeling like a reward, it feels like a chore. Additionally, I don't want for much as it is, so there's little that I want that I haven't already got.

2. How do you cope with the invasive thoughts demanding food, even when not hungry? I still don't know how I did it before, when I broke the spell so to speak. It's a constant test of willpower, and I don't always have the sheer force of will to resist all the time. And it's constant.

3. How do I come to terms with the fact that even when I'm free of those invasive thoughts, my mind has a positive association with the binge eating episodes? It's not hard to see why, binge eat -> dopamine hit -> feels good -> good memories associated with it. I feel like conquering this once and for all will require confronting this fact directly.

4. How do I keep motivation going long enough to break through? It feels like my willpower is a finite meter that drains over time, and with it my motivation to continue on. I'm very interested in making this work... now. In a week? Two weeks? The invasive thoughts will become defining in their demands for a binge eating episode. They will latch on to something bad for me, and make me desire above all else a gigantic calorie dense meal. I know this battle is coming, be it two days or two weeks, it's coming. How do I prepare?

5. If, after reading all of this, you have any general advice - please, I'm all ears! I've tried everything I can think of, I know the mechanics of weight loss, I know the mechanics behind being satiated, I know the ideas of small meals across a longer time... my biggest issues are overcoming the psychological and addictive aspects of the problem.

If you made it this far, thank you. I know this is going to be tough, but I'm hoping, with a little help from you guys, I can make this diet the last one I need.

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