No one has said anything directly to me so this is really seriously all an internal, mental thing.
I just am struggling so much with letting go of my fury and disappointment around these awful, misinformed ideas that weight loss is inherently “disordered,” that food addiction is somehow “a lie made up by diet culture.” Recently I’ve even been reading some people saying that “emotional eating is a valid coping skill.”
I used to buy into it all and used this BS rhetoric to enable my awful eating habits—fast food everyday, even more whenever I was feeling depressed or guilty or happy or anxious or lonely.
It kills me to know that there are more people like me out there, reading that stuff, and buying into it because these “health at every size” gurus are good at manipulating people’s shame, enabling what imo is self-harming behavior NOT self-soothing (!), and probably too deep in their own shit to realize they themselves have battles left to fight.
Whenever I see this stuff (which I don’t have to, I should just block people who post it and not seek it out—this is true) I get so discouraged.
I also have OCD, and I am constantly doubting myself and my sanity. So this bullshit makes me obsess over the fear that I MUST secretly have an eating disorder that everyone else can see and I can’t, or that I’m a “bad feminist,” the list goes on.
It fucking sucks man. I’ve lost 30 pounds and I feel proud of myself but god it would be so much easier if I could just stop letting these awful external opinions undermine my confidence in my decision to lose weight. Why the frick do I have a brain that insists on gaslighting itself at every turn?? Shit is whack.
It’s also hard because I can tell my therapist is personally against weight loss—when I mentioned it she got visibly skeptical, passed some judgment on my physicians recommendation to lose weight to improve my health—and that makes me totally unable to let my guard down around her enough to benefit from our sessions or trust her expertise. I also said I wanted to find a new therapist and she asked me to come back for another session to be sure. I dunno. I just feel like I can’t trust myself.
Anyway reading “anti diet” shit makes me feel so defeated. I wish it didn’t. But, it does. I’m not going to stop losing weight, eating well, or exercising because of it. It’s just frustrating.
Does anyone else relate to this at all? I feel like I’m the only one who toils over this moralistic bullshit, I wish I could turn off my brain haha.
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