So many things I need to mention here!
I'm a 5'6" woman and I've struggled with my weight all of my life. Yet when I was in my late teens/early twenties, I managed to go down to 140. I looked great but I still felt fat - was a bit skinny fat. I was so, so focused on going down to 130 or 125 lbs, that I forgot to enjoy what I had, and eventually, due to all kinds of circumstances, I slowly gained weight. I always set limits: Do not go above 70 kg - and I managed to do that, until I quit smoking. Do not go above 85 - and I managed to do that, until I fell sick.
There are times in our lives we just don't care about our weight because Real Life hits us so hard and we have other things that occupy our minds, that are more important than our weight at that very time. If "not gaining weight" takes a consious effort, then at those times, the pounds will go up. It's sad but it's true.
And so it was that last year I had managed to pile up Real Life Events all the way till I saw a number I had managed to stay clear from for 5 years or so. 120 kg - or a little under 265 lbs. Granted, it was evening, and I was wearing clothes, but just the fact I saw it, made me so sad.
I had met this Wonderful Guy on the internet, and I so badly wanted to meet him, but there was no way in hell I'd meet him at this weight. I looked bloated, in ill health and last year around Christmas, I decided to try and fix it.
I tried to eat less, but it seemed that whatever I did, it didn't work enough. Sure, I got down to 118 kg, but is that really anything? That's in the morning... I tried, for 8 weeks straight and my weight barely seemed to move. If it went down, it went up again.
Now you can say, that's impossible if you barely eat - and while that is true, my issue wasn't as much what I ate (although it was also an issue), it's what I drank. Eating less made me drink more soda and energy drinks. I was hooked, couldn't let go. I like frizzy drinks, but I don't do well on carbonated water. I hate the taste, and even if I can get over the taste, I seem to always get heartburn - not that I tried often, it could be a coincidence, but I'm not really one to have heartburn often, if at all. I still haven't tried again, maybe, maybe one day.
But I couldn't give up on energy drinks, even if I could give up on soda. I needed the cafeine and I can't stand the taste of cheap black coffee. Excuses for sure, but having to add plenty of sugar to coffee while it doesn't even fix what the energy drink also fixes (frizzy drink, something refreshing)? It seemed like a waste.
So something had to change. Urgently. Diet energy drinks tasted horrible, so it wasn't an option, I knew I'd fail. And that's when I discovered IF.
To be honest, I had always eaten in an IF pattern. Often only ate once a day, but I had soda and energy drinks constantly. But IF means no sugar during your fasting window. Ouch.
Not eating for an entire day was easy, but I broke first at 12h for that craving for energy drinks. And I gradually built it up. 12 became 14, became 16 became 18. I noticed I had it easier if the last thing I did before starting a fast, was drink half a can and put it in the fridge. It felt like I was "satisfied". It was a psychological thing.
I ended up on OMAD. And, as such only had one or two drinks. I went from 120 kg to 108 kg in six weeks or so. I didn't really track my weight back then. But then Real Life hit again and I was home six weeks. I think it was exhaustion and the lack of cafeine in the morning. I wanted to use those weeks to lose more weight, to start exercising - but I failed, and I went back to 111 kg by the end of those 6 weeks.
Still wanting to meet Wonderful Guy, I decided it had to change for real now. In the last week of those 6 weeks home, I had decided to just try to cut down energy drinks altogether. Didn't drink any for 3 days or something. Was on low carb diet altogether. I didn't really want full keto (still don't), but I just cut carbs as much as I could. And then, after those three days, I decided I wanted an energy drink.
Having found a lot of things had become too sweet, I went to the store and bought a Diet and a Regular. Just in case I didn't like the diet. I open the diet with my meal and... it didn't taste icky. It was refreshing, hit the right spot. I was like Holy FUCK. All of my life I could not for the life of me stand artificial sweeteners. Just to show you, it's all about habits you need to break. :)
I decided my weight was more important than cutting energy drinks, now that I managed to drink diet. I needed the morning boost if I were to do OMAD and OMAD (together with lower carbs) was something I loved and worked for me. And this time it became serious.
Using Wonderful Guy as a motivation, I wanted to shed as much as possible by the time we'd first meet. I started to track my weight in a spreadsheet. And later in Libra. From 111 to back to 108. To 105. To 104 to... 98 in July. I lost 13 kilos in what, 2 months? And I was feeling great. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. My weight now and then stalled only to drop some more. I did this on purpose. I didn't want to exhaust myself, I wanted my body to adapt, and most of all, I wanted ME to adapt.
We met, and it was great. I didn't feel very confident still, at just below 100 kg (220 lbs), but I dared to meet him. And yes, I had used him as an external motivator. But that's okay. Whatever makes us lose weight and get healthy is fine. Because you know what? In June he was the reason I lost weight. But by the time it was August, I did it for me. I had proven to myself I could and how much better I felt. So I kept on going.
The last two weeks my weight has flunctuated between 199 lbs to 201 lbs. I had decided I'd only make this ONEDERLAND post once I was below 200 lbs consistently for a week. Truth is, it's only been three days I've stayed under 200 lbs. But this morning, I hit 89.9 kg. (What can I say, I'm a metric type of woman - but I like all the goals I can get my hands on, even if it means converting to pounds and stones and what-have-you-not). And the below-90 is significant, but what happened last night, oh, that was a big thing.
Earlier this week some girl here had posted how she now dared to take pictures without makeup, no filters, no taking 500 of them just to have a good looking one. That hit so home because I knew the feeling all too well and truth be told, even when I was at my lightest at 140ish lbs, I still took picture after picture. Our phone cameras were much more forgiving, not having any resolution to worry about, and while I didn't go to the great lengths I did last year just to look presentable, I wasn't just going to randomly snap a picture and be okay with it either. Perhaps I had more angles I was satisfied with, and mostly wore makeup because it accentuated my eyes, but, you know.
And yesterday, I did it. I was in bed when he asked for a picture. I got up, turned on the light, and snapped one and sent it to him. Just like that. My hair not down to hide my cheeks or chin. No make up. Looking tired so a little bit less "good". And I fucking well sent it to him. Last year, I'd be dismissive while trying to snap a picture, again and again, holding in the right angle, filters, quick makeup. And if I were lucky and got one I liked, I'd send it to him. Now I just did. No fuss. Sure, I don't look super great yet, I still have so much to lose, if only for my health. But for the first time in my life I look in a mirror and be like "dang girl, you looking fine!" Hey, I realize I'm still fluffy. I realize I still need to lose weight, but if I can't feel great because I managed to lose over 65 lbs in 8 months worth of time, then what else can make me proud? I need to be happy now, not only when I reach Goal Weight, I learned that when I was 20. And my biggest regret was not being happy with how I looked back then.
I set a goal weight of 125 to 145 lbs. If I go below 145 lbs, I must be happy with how I look like. No "I could still stand to lose!". None of that. I will buy a bikini and I will wear crop tops (I don't care if people think I'm "too old" for crop tops, I look younger anyway). I will wear dresses and I will wear skirts - on a side note, I have a killer dress I love to wear now, not in public just yet, but I will leave the house in it and go to the store if I must.
So, achieved goals:
- Lost 65 lbs (30 kgs), hit double digits for the first time in 10 years, hit onederland and below 90 kgs for the first time in 10 years, which is halfway to my goal;
- Learned the biggest issue was what I drank and managed to tackle that. Sure, I still drink diet soda and some might think I shouldn't do that, but whatever. It works, it keeps me happy;
- Learned low carb works best for me. Especially on starches I tend to look bloated, feel bloated and so on. I'm generally not in a happy place;
- Learned the difference between actual hunger and cravings.
- Have spent a small fortune on clothes. Even tossed away my old "smaller" clothes because they just didn't look that great, I want to show off! I am also considering a belt just to not have to buy new pants all the time. I went from size 24 to 14-16!
- I feel happy about the way I look, I still need to lose weight, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far and not beating myself up over what I still need to do;
- I learned that I can lose weight/not gain weight without having to not eat at all. Though I am a faster. :)
- Dared to meet up with a guy I met over the internet. Whoo! And got a new boyfriend! Double whoo!
- I feel and look healthier. Not just better, but HEALTHIER. When I had lost 20 kg, I was training once with 2 x 5 kg and it hit me. It's so much more difficult to do stuff with 10 kgs extra. 10. I lost 20. Having lost 30 now, walking is so much easier. Living is so much easier!
- When I looked at pictures 10 kg ago, a time where I was proud of myself and felt I started to look good, I can see how fat I looked. This is significant because it means I've started to love my body without having to constantly beat it down. Oh, and the fact I can tell the difference between 10 kg is like super awesome because I lost 30. :D
- I manage to just take pictures. No makeup, no angles. Just snap it and send it.
Goals for the future:
- Exercise! I've focused first on getting below 90 kg to start really working on exercise. It's not that I've done nothing at all, but I had set the goal that once below 90, I'd work on a steady schedule of working out. The problem here is that gyms are expensive, and the one that's less expensive and I've gone to, seems to have so.many.men by the equipment I want to use. Bulky, scary men (I kid, I'm not this scared of it, but I remember going to a gym ten years ago and they literally said that cardio was for women and it's stuck with me, although I've always wanted to lift weights rather than cardio. I CAN DO CARDIO WITHOUT GOING TO A GYM! That being said, I'll first focus on swimming, even longer walks, working with weights and my own body weight at home, dancing, and so on. I still find gyms intimidating though, and I wish I had time during the day to familiarize myself without there being a crowd but baby steps and I know I like swimming/cycling/hiking/dancing so there's that. Just not ideal to tackle the skinny fat I will become, but perhaps by then I'll be confident enough to hit the gym)
- Go below 70 kg. That is my main goal. I don't care if I go to 60, or 58 or stay at 65. Whatever gives me most joy in life. Joy in life equals eating good, feeling great, looking awesome. And many more other things.
- Cut down even diet soda/energy drinks. Not saying none at all, but no longer daily. First focus is weight loss, then it's the drinks.
- Get more dresses! Dresses are fun!
My current lifestyle:
- OMAD - I only eat at the evenings, but I don't mind eating lunch tomorrow at my parents, or when I'm with Awesome Guy, I just eat regularly.
- I cut carbs as much as is feasible for me. If I really, really want potatoes, pasta or pizza, I go for it. But it's become a rarity. I also don't eat fruit regularly and try to get my vitamins elsewhere. Lots of cauliflower, coconut, nuts and bacon. High fat meals too.
- No more liquid sugar. Whatsoever. Fruit juice? Nope. Though I did have orange juice last week, it was heaven, but I was kinda forced into not having water by someone and since I was on a cheat week, I just allowed it. Though even at cheat weeks/days I still won't drink liquid sugar. :)
- I focus on losing about 5-10 % of my weight each time, then I try to maintain. This is for my sanity, learning to adapt to a healthier life style, And, most of all, it gives me the opportunity to adapt to how I look.
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