This post is a pledge to myself. There is no I can succeed anymore. There is only I will succeed,
TL;DR: 30 ibs lost. Lost the love of my life, all my friends and I'm really far from my family. But today, I'm fucking done playing around. I'm gonna reach my goal and I'm gonna reach it fast.
Most people talk about the future, but I'll talk about my past, present and future. It's not conventional, but I prefer it that way. I need to share everything with someone right now. I may be harsh on myself, but do not worry this is only pure motivation. This may not be a good option to read this if you haven't started your journey. You may skip at the weight loss section in that case. I don't want to project my shame of myself on you.
My story:
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was a really active kid though; playing a lot of sports and biking a lot. Many years later, now that I leave alone, I realize that my mother may be one of the best cook in existence. To put it simply I was overeating too often. There were really no limit to what I could eat and even if it was home cooked, most of it was really rich and high in calories. Around the age of 10, things got out of hand when I started playing video games like crazy. That was literally the only thing I was doing during this period. Nothing else. I got pretty obese at this time. But at least I was at least still taking swimming courses once a week. But this was obliviously not enough to be in shape.
At around 14 years old, I don't exactly remember where that came from, but I started to take the first course required to become a lifeguard. I have always loved swimming and since I was done with all of the red cross swimming courses, it was a natural progression for me. It was the start of a good era. The very next summer I got a job at a camping where I would be a lifeguard for the next 8 years (there was a derogation at the time allowing me to work even though I was not 16). It was 3 to 4 days a week, but soon enough I started to want more hours. So the owner offered me to do manual labor on the site for 3 days a week and do 2-3 days at the swimming pool. I believe I started to loose weight at this time, but during the year I would gain it back since it was only a summer job.
At around 15 years old, I started to train more seriously to be able to do the National Lifeguard course when I would reach 16 in march of the same year, since it's the minimal age to pass it. It was a good motivation since I would get a 2$ per hour increase at the camping. So I passed it that year and was now earning something like 14$ an hour. I was now swimming 2-3 times a week and I lost a bunch of weight, but was still eating too much so I was still considered overweight. The next summer, I worked my ass off and continued to be more active. The following year, I signed up for many sporting clubs like swimming, badminton, ski, table tennis. My schedule was really full: every lunch break I had an activity and most of the time I had one during the evening too. During the weekend I was often going to competition and I reached provincial or even national level in these sports.
It's funny when I think back that I didn't know I was attractive. In my head I was still the overweight guy that people liked for his jokes. I remember to this day the first time I picked a girl out. I was not expecting anything, but I started chatting with a girl when I was working at the pool. I made a couple jokes and she laughed. She was incredibly attractive and as usual I though I had no chance, you know? I though I was fat and ugly. I saw her again during the evening when my shift was done and we walked around the site. I showed her my tent trailer and said a bad joke about all the action that was happening in it. She said she was not believing me.. Me, not even thinking about it, said that it was nothing compared to what I could do to her that night. After a little more talking, she excused herself for about an hour saying that she needed to go see her parents. One hour later there was a knock on my door and I lost my virginity to one of the best looking girl I have ever seen. This was one of the happiest period of my life; I started to get really in shape, I had money, I had really good grades and I had a good family. And oh my god, I was able to have sex with nice girls. Oh, my, god. It was mind blowing for me. It lasted I would say 3-4 years. It hurts to share it with you guys, but here is one pic of me during that year:
College+university+job:
During college I gained a little weight, but there was still mandatory physical courses that helped me stay kind of healthy. I moved away from my parents at the time, but it didn't help me much since I started to order pizza way too often. But you know, I don't think I was weighting more than 210-220. It's fat, but not that bad for a 5''11 guy. I also started to play too much video game again during this period. After 2 years I was done and applied to uni.
Things got worse during university. I got accepted in pharmacology and it was pretty hard. I started thinking in a way that it is ok to temporally sacrifice some part of my life to succeed. I regret it to this day. I was drinking 3 nights a week to vent out the stress. The rest of time time I was either in class or studying. I was eating like a fucking pig almost exclusively on food delivery. and fast food. Thinking back I cannot be more ashamed of myself. There is no meaning in lying to myself at this point, I could have avoided this. I would estimate I got close to 300 pounds during these 3 years.
After I got my degree it didn't get any better. By that time I was doing 0 exercise and continued to eat shit food. The worst thing is that I started as a financial counselor on the road. So most my meals during the day were burgers and fries. I got up to 360 pounds that year. But there was something really positive that happened to me during that time; I met a girl that was doing the same job. We rapidly became best friends. It was awesome. We had so much interests in common, it was crazy. 6 months later we started dating. It was magical. Nothing compared to any one night stand I have been doing during the summer. However, I must say it was a really shitty job and we were both struggling financially. I then applied for a job in another city in the pharmaceutical industry and got it. She also applied and got a better one too. However, our job were 2 hours away from each other and we started a long distance relationship. We didn't really mind it at first, since she was working 10 hours shifts 4 days a weak, so she had no free time during these days and had 3 days off that we could see each others. The next summer was magical; we were earning really good money and we were like melting into each others. I would say she is really out of my league and that I was really surprised she would date me. A couple ago she started to exercise more and I kinda picked up the hint that she was worrying about me. So 2 months ago I started dieting and 6 weeks ago I started working out. I'm ashamed of it, but here is a pic of me weighting 360 before starting 2 months ago:
Breakup:
Not long ago I made a post seeking advice on reddit. I'll not go over it again, it is still too hard. It describes how much I love her and I was extremely sad, but if you are still interested here it is:
Two weeks after this post which is 2 weeks ago, she left me. When I asked why, she said she didn't love me anymore. She cried a lot while saying that. I still don't believe her to this day. I asked her if we could still be be friends, since we have so much fun together and she said it would be better to never see each others again. She still agreed to see each others one last time (I really forced her hand) so she could answer my questions.
During the whole relationship we never fought, this is so weird. The past two weeks has been hell for me. I still really think she is the one, THE ONE. But it's too late now. I know by a friend of her that she is already seeing another guy (friend with benefits) to fill the void. It is still really fucking dark in my life; my family is 6 hours away, I left all my friends behind for the new job and I lost the love of my life permanently.
I'm really lucid at the moment and it is the first day that I'm kinda joyful for the past month. I though a LOT about this, and I think 2 majors factors played a role in the story. First, even if we though it wouldn't, I think the distance really was hard for her. She couldn't live with it. Second, I was so much overweight that even if she did her best to ignore it, it was affecting her. She also confirmed me that it was one of the factor the night I saw her. She is really pretty and there was a couple times other girls would make fun of her for dating me. Even if on the surface she was raging, I know that deep down it affected her. I know she was not that much attracted to me physically even if the sex was awesome (ending in her shaking from her orgasms). In the long run, I think it was a problem. Reddit, it is not superficial, physical attraction is a really important part of a relationship. I felt destroyed when I heard she was already fucking someone else, but I cannot hate her for it and I will love her for the rest of my life.
So here I am. I have never been more lonely in my entire life. However, today I'm feeling good and I feel a little better. My wounds will heal, I know that now.
The weight loss:
But hey, this is not the story of me behind sad. This may sound bad, but I have never hated myself more than today. I REALLY HATE MYSELF. I hate the fact that I can't do competitive sports anymore, that I can't get cute girls, that I lost my girlfriend, that I lost my friends for a job, that my family is far away and that I'm alone. The past week I have been lurking this sub and it really motivated me. I also checked the channel FatMeetsFire on youtube. I'm done guys, I'm really fucking done. I deserve to be happy again and to love myself and I'm ready to go beyond what is possible to achieve this. So here is my progress, starting 8 weeks ago (these are not exact numbers, but it looks more pretty this way):
Week 0:
- weighting 360 on the scale (exact number).
2 first weeks:
- 5 pounds lost, weighting approx. 355 at the end.
- Checked some menus online and stopped going to restaurants.
Week 2 to week 4:
- 5 pounds lost, weighting approx. 350 at the end.
- Started swimming again, 2-3 times a week, for 1h.
- Went to the doctor to get a complete checkup. My testosterone was low, but everything else was fine. She weighted me at 352.
Week 4 to week 6:
- 10 pounds lost, weighting approx. 340 at the end.
- Hired a a professional fitness coach that built a program for me.
- Weight lifting 3 times a week, swimming 3 times a week.
Week 5:
- 5 pounds lost, weighting approx. 335 at the end.
- Lost my love that weekend. Started to do CICO with 1000 calories.
Week 6 (ending today):
- 5 pounds lost, weighting 330 at the end (exact number on the scale).
- 3x 1h weight lifting, started running 30 mins (walking most of it) after each one.
- 3x 1h swimming.
- 1x 30mins running only.
- CICO at 1000 cal.
Conclusion:
Reddit, I know most of you will think this is not an healthy weight loss, that it is too fast. But at this point it's the only thing I have left and I woke up so happy about it this morning. I felt healthier and stronger. I feel less sad about my ex and I'm determined to show her what I can become. I'm not doing it for her, but I know it will satisfy me to do it. I know she will react to me publishing a nice picture on facebook... I want abs too. I think this is one of my dream actually. Yesterday I also fixed a real goal; to get under 200 pounds. It will take time, surely more than a year since I don't think I can manage to loose fat as fast for the entire process, but I'm so convinced that I will do it, it's crazy. It's like I'm ready to explode; I don't feel alone today. It's like if there is lava in my vein; I'm furious during the workout and give my 300%. I actually want to feel pain to know my muscles did a good job. This is my dream. I wanna be fit. And you know what? I'll never settle again for it. I'll achieve it. And when I'm done I'll find new dreams and will never settle again. It feels good to share it with someone, even if we don't know each others. Thank you so much for reading this.
WHEN I'll reach that goal, I will buy myself a motorbike and a tattoo. I'm done. I'm doing it. This is my pledge to myself. Watch me.
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