I'm on probably my thousandth fresh start for my second weight loss journey, and unlike the other times where I quit half way through the day, I lasted five days before a screw up, eating perfectly while still keeping myself full and walking 10k steps a day. I started seeing small changes in my stamina and body immediately, so I was feeling great and highly motivated.
Today my depression hit me hard and I knew the second I woke up that I was gonna lose control. I still ate healthy meals, even baking kale chips for the first time to try and make a healthy snack alternative that I could binge on without it affecting my calorie total as much, but I accidentally oversalted the chips to the point where they were inedible and after that I gave up and ate what felt like tons of chocolate and sweets. In reality, I had ten small sweets and two Twirl chocolate bars. I don't know how the rest of my evening/night will go, if I'm being honest I'll likely eat more, but as far as binges go, that's very small for me, especially if you consider the following:
Last week the straw that broke my back and made me fully motivated at last to lose weight again was that I ate eleven chocolate bars in one sitting, and while it's not the worst I've eaten, by far, it was how easy it was and how I didn't feel at all nauseous when I was done that scared me. I'm 5'6 and was 170lbs on Wednesday, having just about dropped to that from my heaviest, 175lbs, after Christmas. I've been this weight for eight months and it's been my first time properly living my life while overweight. Last time, even though I was 10lbs lighter, I shut myself away and isolated myself from everyone and everything for five months until I started losing weight again and got back down to 135lbs, my safe weight. This time has been different. Partly because I had a job that I couldn't avoid and forced me out in public, partly because I have a boyfriend who loves every inch of me and can make me feel confident even when I feel like no one has ever looked so gross. It's been better this time, but I still haven't been fully happy because I know I'm not being healthy and I don't look the way I want to.
So that's why I know that after being reminded of how amazing it feels to walk and not be exhausted after ten minutes, to eat healthy, wholesome meals, to have the energy to go out shopping with my boyfriend, to model the underwear he got me for him and feel confident doing it, to not feel like a balloon blowing up bigger and bigger every day, to actually feel in control of myself... I know that tomorrow I will wake up and get out of bed and make my healthy breakfast and get out the door as soon as possible for an hour's walk. Because inevitably I'm going to have slip ups, but if I can live the healthy life I want to live 90% of the time, that's infinitely better than how I was living before.
TL;DR: I had a small binge today after five days of perfection but I'm not letting it ruin my future.
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