I apologize in advance for the poorly written novel below. I’m on mobile and to be frank I’m just feeling all kinds of overwhelmed so this is just a super long rant and ask for advice.
Some background first:
I have never, I mean NEVER had a healthy relationship with food whether it be in one direction or another. I grew up hearing constant body remarks from adult family members, and I used food to cope with things as a kid. It has always been my comfort. There was a time in my life when I was really little where food was scarce, so when I was really little, if something was yummy, I’d eat it ALL. All of it. I’d hide it and scarf it down in secret or take enough helpings of dinner to make my stomach hurt and then I’d go back for more. I also had a crap ton of younger siblings who I’d care for instead of getting involved in doing anything physical. I wasn’t just a chubby kid, I was a huge kid. With absolutely no physical fitness know how or athletic ability.
At ten years old my (kind of distant) birth father told me one summer that I had to lose 50 pounds by Christmas break or I wasn’t going to see him again. That was the first time in my life I stopped eating. And yeah, I lost a bunch of weight. The adults in my life seemed pleased. And then at 12 I was sexually assaulted and I’m learning now through therapy that it’s not so uncommon that I began to eat to cope with that afterwards.
I got into a really shitty, toxic marriage as an adult and long story short, got up to 298lbs. I’m 5’3” and I was disgusted with myself. When that marriage ended (thank god) I basically was like “No way in hell am I getting up to 300lbs” and I stopped eating again. Or I’d eat to save face in public and then find the soonest opportunity to stick my fingers down my throat. There was a LOT of shit in my life that was out of my control, like $15k in my ex husbands debt I was paying, multiple pregnancy losses I was just then getting the opportunity to have feelings about, and to be quite honest I was on my OWN for the first time ever. I used food (or the lack thereof) to regain some control I guess.
I lost SO much weight. And nobody thinks to question the methods of weight loss when you’re that big. Everyone was super happy for me and the compliments came all the time about how great I looked. So it encouraged it for sure. I was getting attention I’d never before gotten in my life. I was kind of attractive and I knew it. I got down to 152lbs in the span of a year (yikes). But my periods stopped, I began growing all kinds of body hair that wasn’t there before, and I’d pass out all the freaking time.
I met my now husband, and he noticed something wasn’t right. He encouraged me to seek help and for a while I did. I began eating healthy and things were going really well.
Until they weren’t. We had a miscarriage in April last year, and I absolutely lost control again. When I was with my ex I had multiple losses. But knowing the problem was ME hit different. I’m still recovering.
I’m back up to 230lbs again from then to now and I’m absolutely disgusted with myself again. I feel like crap- I get out of breath walking up the stairs. I tried going back to working out but literally got laughed out of a gym (that’s a whole other story) and then tried to do it myself and tore my labrum in my hip, and basically used that as an excuse to do nothing again.
I’m back in counseling and I want to repair my relationship with food. But most importantly I want to be healthy AND lose weight this time.
I need some baby steps for this. I adore this group, and I’ve found it so much more helpful than any other online forum so far. Im looking for somewhere to start that is one, small step at a time.
I work 60ish hours a week. I’m in a program for my masters degree. I have 5 and 7 year old step babies. I know that I’m busy but I need to find a way to do this. And to do it right this time. I want to be able to play with my kids and not get out of breath. I want to have sex with my husband without being so self-conscious I can’t be present in the moment. I want to actually feel proud of how I do it this time. And, I don’t know, I’d like to actually not obsess over food in one way or another every waking moment of my day.
So, what works for you guys? What are some “baby steps” I can focus on? What is the very best advice, words of encouragement, accountability, or anything else you guys can offer? I’m tired of my “I’ll start next week” attitude. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m ready to get started. I know I need help.
Thanks if you made it this far. I hope this is the right group to ask in. I appreciate you all.
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