19F here. I've been overweight and unhappy with my physical aspect my whole life, but when I turned 16 my self esteem issues and body dysphoria tragically worsened.
I hated myself. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I envied my slimmer, cuter friends. And that's when I decided I would lose weight. And boy, what a journey that was.
I did lose weight, about 60 lbs. I took pics of my body everyday since I started eating "better" and looked at them till I couldn't recognise myself anymore. How had I never noticed the fat on my arms? My cellulite? My fat face? My disgusting thighs? How could I walk around like that and not feel embarrassed?
I hated that fat body of mine. I felt like I was in a cage, a cage where a better version of me - a slimmer me was imprisoned, waiting to be freed.
I started losing weight rapidly. I was happy! I was doing CICO, going to the gym, and my family and friends were congratulating me everyday.
But... something felt wrong. Why didn't I notice any difference? Sure, the pictures didn't lie, but why did I still feel ugly? Why wasn't I happy with how much weight I was losing? Doesn't matter, I'm still fat, I need to lose weight! Everything will be better when I'll be slim!
I reached a 19.5 BMI in less than year. And still, I felt fat. Still, I hated myself. Still I felt caged in that ugly body of mine that didn't belong to me. I found imperfections, some loose skin, cellulite, and everything I could think about was: disgusting.
Do you see where I'm going here? Losing weight never helped me. I still saw myself as disgusting and now the only thing that made me happy before (food) was gone! I felt scammed!
I started eating again, gaining weight rapidly. In two years I had lost and gained more than I ever did. What was wrong with me?
I know the answer now: it wasn't my body. In these two years I started going to therapy. In these two years I found a guy who loved me despite of my weight; he saw beauty in me and he let me know. In these two years I started loving myself.
I now weight more than I did when I started this huge journey and I'm ready to lose weight again. I learnt many things after I started gaining weight again. Now, I don't hate my current body and I don't hate myself. But I want to improve what I already have and learn to love myself even more.
So please, everyone. Don't hate yourself and don't think you'll be a better person after you lose weight. Instead, do it because you love yourself! Do it because your body is amazing and it deserves respect and love and healthiness. Do it not to be liked by people but to be a better version of yourself that you can love even more.
Do it for you.
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