TL;DR at bottom.
29F 5’3” SW: 155lbs GW:125lbs CW: 140lbs. I started my weight loss journey about 4 years ago, 2 years ago I was running 10km twice a week, weightlifting 3 times a week, I was slim, muscular, and enjoying working out and loving life... Last year came a couple injuries and a lot of excuses. I lost the joy I had found in working out & I lost my motivation...
This year... this year I fell right off the wagon. Being isolated in my house from March til present has destroyed my mental and physical health. I am depressed. I am struggling with anorexia again which I had overcome ten years ago. When I ate, it was comfort foods, so nutrition was scarce. My asthma which had been very much under control before declined to where even going for a light walk causes me discomfort. I have been seeing doctor, trying different drugs, saying to myself that I am trying everything. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying at all.
Yesterday I was google searching depression & weight loss, and reading and watching things, passively trying to gain motivation. Then something someone said really hit home.
“You already know what to do, 90% of our problems with weight loss we already know the answer to. What we haven’t figured out yet is how to make ourselves actually do it.” (May not be exact wording but something like that). This really resonated with me because I have done it, I do know how... SO WHATS WRONG WITH ME? As I typed my next search into the bar, tears welled in my eyes and I broke down completely. “Dealing with depression when you don’t want to get better” just typing this in let me admit to myself, truly finally admit that this was my problem. Getting better is HARD, and I don’t want to do it. I didn’t want to commit to the pain I have to go through to get from the point I’m at now to get to the point where it’s fun again, where life is enjoyable again. Working out, eating right, getting out of depression, leaving behind eating disorders, it’s uncomfortable, it causes pain, it’s hard. But the thought of being in the state I am now for the rest of my life, is worse.
Admitting this, admitting all this, finding motivation became one simple question. Accepting all the pain required for the process: Do you want to get better?
I want to get better.
Yesterday I went for a jog for the first time in about 2 years. My lungs were in so much pain I can’t even adequately describe it, I had to take my puffer multiple times, my pacing was shit & I had to walk probably about half of it (I walk til I can catch my breath then jog again til I can’t breath) I felt like I was going to throw up or collapse... but I did it. And I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF. I am going again today, and every other day, because I know this is the way I get better.
TL;DR: Working out, eating right, getting out of depression, leaving behind eating disorders, it’s uncomfortable, it causes pain, it’s hard. Admitting this, finding motivation is one simple question. Accepting all the pain required for the process: Do you want to get better?
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