Hello to all!
I specifically sought out a sub as a support group for people who want to lose weight in a healthy and sustainable manner.
Brief blah-blahs about me: I am 31, from a Southeast Asian country, working from home, living with my family and I am classified as Obese II on the BMI scale. I am currently 89 kg and I am only 5 feet tall.
And... I haven't looked at myself in the mirror properly since March 2020. I avoid mirrors around the house at all costs because I feel so disgusted with myself.
I can say that 5 years ago I was in great shape. I worked out regularly, I ate properly, I maintained my weight between 53kg to 55kg and I have decided that that is my most comfortable weight ever. I don't want to go lower than that even if the computation for BMI says my ideal weight is 48 kg. Nope. That is too light for me. I love my boobs. I love my butt.
Anyway, I entered graduate school in the capital (I live in a province), got into a toxic relationship, let go of myself to the point that I had to drink every night just to fall asleep. I stopped exercising. I stopped doing things for myself. I stopped taking care of myself. In short, the state of my body right now is a consequence of all the decisions I made.
Five years later, I am here, writing this, as an acknowledgment to myself that I need to do something before I reach 100kg. I have to put a stop to this. I have to do something.
Post-breakup, throughout those five years--- I was exercising inconsistently, I wasn't drinking anymore but I am not eating healthfully either. I am taking meds for my bipolar disorder, taking meds for my thyroid disorder. My thyroid activity is greatly reduced and virtually gone because I was diagnosed with Grave's disease in my early 20s and had a radioactive iodine treatment which I regret to this day (I should have gotten a second opinion). Anyway, the lockdown started, the pandemic started and from March to April to May, I barely got out of bed, I turned to food for comfort and justified it as something I deserve. I eat even when I am not hungry. I have this compulsion to eat left-overs in our refrigerator because I hate food going to waste. I ate and ate and ate but my physical activity remained the same- almost zero. It took me a while to realize that it's getting out of control. I made all sorts of plan---I am a registered nutritionist-dietitian by profession so I am supposed to know stuff right?---- diet plans, recipes I can follow, workout plans but I got so overwhelmed with all of it I ended up not doing anything.
It doesn't help that I have a go-big or go-home mentality.
I guess I am clinging to the fact that back then, I can work out for at most 3 hours a day when I don't have much to do. I just can't accept the fact that it was totally normal to exercise 10 minutes a day and gradually increase it as your body gets accustomed to it, again. Pride maybe? Now I can't even walk for 2 minutes without struggling for breath. It is a huge slap on my face.
I have low self-esteem. I don't socialize like I used to. When I am on a video call with friends, I shut the camera off because I don't want them to see me in this state. I turned down a good job offer because I will be working in a place close to where my ex frequents and I don't want him to see me in this state and give him the satisfaction that he "won" the breakup. I make excuses to not meet friends (pre-COVID) and I don't like taking pictures at all, I hate it but when I am socially obliged to, I stay at the back. I built myself a wall that no one can penetrate. I made it clear to my family I won't tolerate any comments about my weight. It took me some time to step on the weighing scale and see the damage I brought upon myself.
I am spiraling and spiraling further and I am fighting so hard to crawl out of it. It is affecting my work because I feel so lethargic, I'd rather be in bed. Good thing I fixed my sleeping pattern.
Tbh I feel like every 2 weeks I am starting all over again and then I trip and undo all my progress.
Today I hired a personal trainer (online consultations) to give me a workout plan. I need structure.
Today I am writing this post as an acknowledgment that I have a problem that only I can solve. I am starting my weight loss journey aiming to lose 35kg in at least 1 year. This time I will love myself and be mindful of what I put inside my body. And who knows, maybe in a year, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed, outraged, embarrassed, and sad.
I may not be the same person I was 6 years ago but I am determined to prove to myself that a person can peak a number of times during their lifetime. And I am looking forward to having this sub as a support group to reach my goals.
Thank you.
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