Background:
Let me start by saying that I have a relatively similar story to most people here. A series of traumatizing events happened to me when I was a child, eating became my coping mechanism, and the rest was (or is) history. In many ways, I am thankful that I didn't develop worst addictions, but the alienation and visibility that accompanies fatness has been difficult, to say the least. I've sharpened my personality, my skills, my athleticism, my fashion, my stage presence, etc. to compensate for the fact that I don't look like how I feel like, but that dissonance of being worthy of love and not loving myself has been RATHER horrific, despite all of my accomplishments. I am also genderqueer and when I put on weight *all* the curves and boobs and thighs come out, which is pretty dysphoric given that I prefer to present androgynously. Anyways...
Second, I struggle with clinical depression. Tackling that with a mix of therapy and medication allowed me to get to a space where I could really unpack my body image issues and also partake in things that make me feel good (movement! not binge eating!) but, two months ago, I made a pretty significant discovery, which is that taking small doses of shrooms (decriminalized in my state) has pivoted me into a wholly positive, progressive, and effortless relationship with myself. I used to trip a lot when I was a teenager but stopped.
In October, I went for a psycobillin trip, and stood in front of the mirror where I was very surprised to find myself feeling gentle towards... me. It sounds so sad in retrospect, but I think it's the first time I've ever smiled at me. I know, I know, this is a cliché, druggy story, but bear with me.
Eating small, measured tri-weekly doses has further cemented this sensation of just caring for myself. I've learned that I like my skin and my eyes and my mouth and all of the art and experiences my body has created. I like me how I am, but I would also like to be lithe, strong, and dress in dope vintage suits that were only ever made in sizes below 12. I want to eat food that doesn't make me bloated. I would like to start skateboarding again. And the best part is that I realize that I can have all of those things if I want them; It's that simple, and it's that easy because I care about me. I can only get better because I'm already enough.
For the past month, I've been doing a mix of intuitive eating and CICO (mainly to see if my body is intuiting a healthy intake) with plenty of long, leisurely walks that add up to at least five miles a day. I also bought an exercise bike for the real nasty weather days. Right now I am 15 lbs lighter than I was when I started. This Christmas, I didn't really indulge, but it was mainly because I didn't want to. Hypothyroidism/systemic sensitivities run in my family, and, since I've started eating cleaner and loosely following anti-inflammatory diets, I've realized how much inflammatory foods fuck me UP, like, in every single way, from my poop to my personality. The mushrooms have contributed greatly to my mindfulness about what actually feels good and natural. It's harder, if not impossible, for my brain to trick itself into partaking in decisions that only feel good for a millisecond but wreck me afterwards.
Most importantly, I am not a scientist, nutritionist, therapist, psychotherapist, etc. etc. I cannot recommend dosages and am certainly NOT encouraging everyone to start dosing shrooms. Don't go inject an ounce mushrooms into your bloodstream and then tell the attending doctor that TheWarOn from Reddit told you to do it. This is merely my own personal experience and experimentation, and, if you're curious to learn more, there are studies and a *vast* number of resources out there to point you in the right direction.
I'll try to give monthly updates on this journey :) in the meantime, enjoy your holidays and don't forget to treat yourself in whatever way makes sense. This year has been a rough one, and you deserve a bit of refuge.
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