Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Yes I am fat, I have to accept that and still love myself before I can truly start my journey.

I came to this realization while doing yoga just a few minutes ago. It’s day two of my 10th, 12th, 13th who knows time trying to gain health. I’ve been successful in the past but it’s never sustainable. As soon as something goes wrong or life gets too hectic I retreat back to food and other vices that help me forget the bad feelings that come up.

This time it feels different because I usually start weight loss journeys when I feel at a loss and hate myself for who I have become. This time I am starting in a much different place. I quit my job because mentally I am ready to start investing in myself and building my own business. My endeavors have been fruitful and I am happy to say that things (outside of weight loss) are going well.

I know I am at my highest weight I have ever been which means my body feels different but I was surprised to see my reflection staring back at me. I had been avoiding really looking in the mirror because I didn’t need a scale to tell me, I was heading down a bad path. Thoughts started to race “how could I let this happen?” “I look disgusting” “can I even lose this weight” “I should not go out in public until I lose some weight.” “Maybe I won’t hang out with friends for a while so they don’t have to see me this way” “why does every movement feel like a fight against the fat on my body”?

And I had to stop myself. Because I kid you not in that moment I wanted to give up and go grab a snack, one before I REALLY got started, it’s a going to be a long journey so why not one more cheat day right?

And then something clicked. I have to love myself for who I am now. Love myself enough to want to make a change for my own benefit! I have to love myself to want to eat healthy foods and treat my body right. Love myself enough to push thorough the hard exercises and love myself enough to say no to certain food/quantities. Only if I can love myself now, will I be able to make a long lasting and sustainable change.

So while it may be hard, since I have hated myself and my body longer than I have loved it, I have to give it a try. Because I only get one life and there is only one me.

If you got the chance to read this I hope it motivates you to start loving who you are now, because when the weight comes off, you’ll still be left with you. A smaller version of us may change how others see us and even how we feel. But in the end we are still left with us. And there is only one of us.

I pledge to love myself enough to want to make this change. I know I can do this and I know you can too.

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