I'm fairly new to reddit so please bear with me if I make formatting mistakes or if this is the wrong subreddit or if I sound dumb. Lol.
I've spent the last three years of my life struggling with my weight and mental health. I gained about thirty pounds in sophomore year of high school, and since then I've been in cycles of gaining and losing the same fifteen pounds, trying to stay disciplined and keep the weight off, then falling back into my overeating habits and gaining it all back, all the while losing faith in myself and my worth. I know I eat for comfort, and as a very anxious, insecure person I am pretty much always looking for comfort, and often times my weight loss attempts have been derailed when I got overwhelmed with school or life or my feelings and turned back to food to try and deal with my unhappiness. I'm especially frustrated because I don't have that much to lose, but somehow I manage to fail again and again anyway. To be honest it's not really about the weight any more, it's more about my ability to control my behavior and take responsibility of my life. I'm 17, I'm a senior and next fall I'm planning to go to college, but I still feel like I don't have a purpose in life and I don't know where I'm going.
At this point the only reason I've still been trying to lose weight is because my mom has been pushing me to. Unfortunately, despite her good intentions, she isn't particularly helpful, unless her goal is to make me feel worse. Generally she reminds me that overeating is unhealthy and my physical appearance is unattractive, and then threatens to force me to defer college if I don't lose weight. She also insists I am obese, which I realize is not a big deal, but I find frustrating anyway, because I have never been obese, even at my highest weight (bmi 26).
Anyway, the point is that today, she decided that my problem was actually that I have never had a relationship, and therefore I am trying to fulfill my need for romantic love through eating. I'm not sure where she got this idea, but I am pretty sure that it's not correct. I think for the first time today, I came to the conclusion that I've been relying really heavily on her to guide me in my self-improvement, and clearly she actually doesn't have all the answers for me. If I want to change my life I have to do it myself.
I don't really know where to go from here. I think I've spent so long in my comfortable little hidey hole, allowing life to happen to me instead of taking responsibility for my direction, that I've lost all of my respect for myself, and my confidence in my ability to change. I want to be a person I can be proud of. I want to love myself and my body. But I don't know what is going to make this time different from all the other times, especially if I only have myself to rely on.
I guess this is partially coping by oversharing on the internet, and partially an attempt to be accountable for the person I am today and my role in getting myself here. I realize this will probably get buried, as well. But I guess I'm hoping that somebody here has some advice for me. I keep reading success stories of people who managed to lose weight and turn their lives around, and I know technically how to go about doing it (I think I've read every diet book in the multiverse), but mainly I'm worried that I'm going to let myself down again. Even if I stick with it for a week or two, it feels like only a matter of time until I decide it's not worth it, I'll never change, and I might as well wallow in my misery and stuff myself with food to block out the reality of my life.
I guess I'm just so scared of failure, I don't want to get started. How do I convince myself to try anyway?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2LliEEd
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