F(26) SW: 418, CW: 284, GW: 200 (or whenever I feel good and healthy and happy)
I’ve posted here a few times before to celebrate successes, and I guess with this post I just want to share some struggles and successes I’ve had recently. On mobile so excuse formatting:
After briefly hitting my lowest adult weight of 272lbs in November 2019, the holidays happened. But no worries, life is meant to happen. Returning back to the west coast after spending time home on the east coast I was fired up and ready to get back into the swing of things. And then there was the pandemic. And then there was a hiking injury. And then there was a car accident that left me physically ok but mentally wiped. After about a year of just coping, I stepped on the scale in late January 2021 after an unfortunate few weeks of binge eating/drinking, panic attacks, and extreme body dysmorphia. The number was 310.
After an initial swell of self-hatred and disappointment, I paused. I breathed. I recollected my thoughts and, mostly importantly, I accepted it. It was a hard year. Pandemic aside, there were a ton of other personal things in my life that were difficult to maneuver. I can admit it (now) that it all affected me a lot more than I let on. I know that as a coping strategy to stress/depression I ate out more and surrounded myself with comfort food. I retreated to my room where at home workouts just weren’t cutting it like trips to the gym, which weren’t open because of covid. It makes sense I gained weight, and it’s ok. I had to get through that time of my life, and I did, and now the number is 310.
Acceptance and, eventually, forgiveness is key. And it’s so hard. I’m preprogrammed to always default to extreme self-hatred and in that moment I felt disgusting. So I went for a hike, an activity I did continue to stick with during 2020 (except when healing up). I spent time on that hike appreciating my body and legs for what they could do, even at 310. I noted that, while I had gained weight, I was still making great progress on trails. I was going further distances and climbing at steeper elevations. My breathing had become a lot less heavy while ascending. I felt good.
So, I forgave myself. Nothing left to do but get back on the horse and continue on. A new day one, and that’s ok. If I’ve learned anything from being overweight and losing 100+ pounds (and gaining some back) it’s that there’s more to weight loss than just numbers, diet, and exercise. Long term success requires you to love and forgive yourself even when you gain. We are all just people trying their best. Sometimes our best is just not gonna cover all the bases, like mindful eating and/or exercise, and that’s ok. You’re ok. What matters is forgiving yourself, and, well, just getting back to it at whatever pace is healthy for you.
This morning I weighed in at 284. I’m feeling positive for the future (most days) and proud of how far I’ve come with myself, physically and, especially, mentally. I just wanted to share this journey and my reflections with others as I know this has been a tough year for all of us. I’m sure others have experienced pandemic weight gain and are wrestling with it internally. I see you, I feel you, and I acknowledge how effing frustrating it is. But we got this. You got this.
Be kind to each other and yourself, friends!
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