I’ve always been “overweight”, but when I look back to photos of myself in high school, I think I looked good.
My mom is 5’0 and always talked about her “goal weight” being 115 pounds (She never weighed more than 130 max). I’m a solid 5’8. I weighed around 150lbs as a teen. I was a competitive swimmer and trained in martial arts. I didn’t get a driver’s license until college, so I rode a 3 speed bike all around town, at least 5 miles most days. But at the back of my head, I always thought about how I weighed 150 and a woman should weigh 115. I “needed” to lose 35 pounds.
I remember watching one of those dramatic weight loss commercials. I always thought those were for “really” fat people, not for me. It has that loud voice saying, “Are you 100 pounds overweight? Do you have 50? 40? Or 30 Pounds to lose?”
My heart dropped. I had 35 pounds to lose. I was the target audience for dramatic weight loss measures!
After high school, I no longer did sports or rode a bike, and started slowly gaining weight. It didn’t get bad until my brother died. Then I just started eating more and more.
Senior year of college, I did a formal internship and none of my formal clothes fit. I had to go shopping. Around this time, my best friend was getting married. We picked out bridesmaids dresses. I needed a size 18, and the store only carried up to 16. It needed to be special ordered and came with a $50 surcharge. It was embarrassing. My friend was kind and lovely about it and never made me feel bad intentionally. I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time and was shocked to see it read 217 pounds.
I basically stopped eating from May- August. I totaled my car and was back to the bike, riding 10 miles each way to my summer job, 5 days a week. At the end of that summer, I weighed 160 lbs. I was starving myself though, so it wasn’t sustainable.
I slowly gained weight over the next two years, back to 185 lbs. I started a fitness program and got back down to 150lbs over the course of a year. The weight loss was slow and I felt good about myself, but I was dedicating quite a bit of time to exercise.
From that fitness program, I was featured on the Today show weight loss segment. It showed photos of me from back at 217 lbs.
I gained some of that weight back, but was maiming around 165 when I got married. This felt like a healthy weight for that stage of my life. I got pregnant, had my first son, and hovered around 175. I stayed active and lifted weights so I looked pretty good (in retrospect) even though my weight was higher.
When I got pregnant with my second son, after that, everything started to get out of control. I developed severe postpartum depression. My anxiety was through the roof. My two kids were only 18 months apart so things were insane. My husband had lost his job when I found out I was pregnant and going through major depression after the job loss.We got a good amount of food stamps, so it seemed to be the only “pleasure” I could afford. We went through a grueling time of relocating to a new state (July 2019), away from family, so my husband could get established in a new industry. My anxiety was insane, and we didn’t have health insurance. Then, just as I was beginning to adjust, my husband was much happier and we had a stable, solid income, covid hit. Gyms closed. Anxiety soared.
2020 forced me to deal with my anxiety, and I feel like my mental health has improved dramatically. The major drama of job loss and moving is over.
I’m sitting here now at 30 weighing 255 pounds. My best friend, the same one who I was a bridesmaid for and needed the bigger dress, just sent our group of friends care packages. We are planning a girls’ trip this summer, and she sent us matching PJs to wear when we are together. Mine, XXL, don’t fit.
My goal is to fit into them- loose and cozy- by July.
Thank you for reading my novel.
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