Note: was venting in my phone notes and accidentally wrote an essay, sorry! TW: ED
Today I went for an hour walk with my partner and had a lovely time. I had blisters because the furthest I’ve walked in over a month is around the (small) block but I thought I did pretty well. This evening the pain in my leg was so strong I convinced myself I had a blood clot and had a full blown anxiety attack which led me to throw up everything I’d eaten.
I have had weight problems since maybe age 16, but I have such a clear memory of the first time I looked down at my stomach, on the escalator in a Zara, aged 12, and thought ‘I am fat’. At 25 now, this has been a battle for nearly half of my life, and I’ve had enough. I’ve lost weight before, but never gotten to my goal weight, and to be honest I don’t really know what that looks like. I am only 5’2, but since I’ve been an adult my weight has fluctuated by about 30kg, landing me at my highest weight of 102.5kg last April. This is a real toll on a 5’2 frame, although I am fairly strong and have naturally (even at my lowest weight) large breasts so I do think that contributes. I, like many, did a few months of joe wicks and managed to get down to 95, maintained it through til December ish time and went back up to 99kg over the Christmas period. For the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to calorie count at a fairly low deficit. I have a smorgasbord of eating disorders in my background so calorie counting made me nervous, but I also knew I was secretly using this to my advantage and ‘guessing’ the calories and giving myself far larger potions than I needed. It’s been going well, and I’m heading down to low 97kg, but I am honestly so emotionally drained from having this battle with myself.
I finally have a healthy relationship with food, and I’m so proud of that, and I’ve gotten fairly good at maintaining weight, and honestly, as bad as this sounds, I don’t want the grand emotional weight loss journey. I just want it off now. I feel like if I’m given the body that’s 30kg lighter again, I’ll look after it this time. I want a clean slate, and at the moment it feels like I’m wearing this huge horrible jacket I can’t take off. I’m a huge foodie, I love to cook and to eat, and I feel like there’s a whole-ass mountain ahead of me that I wish I didn’t have to climb. At the risk of sounding self-indulgent, I wish I didn’t have to suffer now for mistakes I made in the past. I’ve had the ED battle, I’ve made huge strides in my depression and insomnia, and I finally feel ready to enjoy life. I just have to take this big old jacket off now, and it feels too big and hard and scary to do so.
Truly kudos to you if you’ve made it this far in this post - it felt almost longer than my masters thesis. Not sure what I want from this post, other than a place to vent to people who get it, maybe some advice and mostly just company. I already feel a bit better just for writing it all out. I hope you all have incredible success in your journeys. Thanks for inspiring me every day.
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