I'm trying to really teach myself that I'm never going to be able to "eat whatever I want" (which, to me, means daily bingeing on junk food). I understand that in weight loss, no food has to be off-limits, so I guess a better term is eating however I want. I'll never be able to eat however I want, unless I never want to binge again.
Last time that I lost a ton of weight, I subconsciously thought I'd turned into someone whose eating habits would sustain weight loss. I immediately started gaining the weight steadily back. I forgot that I'm trying to lose weight to be healthier and fitter, not to earn the right to binge eat (I was a chubby kid and saw that girls who ate a lot and were skinny were praised, while I was judged...so I formed the idea that skinniness was the key to judgment-free eating).
I've been trying to get pregnant, and lately have been feeling resentful that I won't get to eat however I want during pregnancy due to a medical condition. But then I realized I'd been viewing pregnancy as the one time in a woman's life that she can free-for-all eat junk food, and that's not how I would approach the growing of my baby, though I doubt I'll be able to stomach only healthy foods. I don't mean any judgement to how anyone eats during pregnancy, just that I realized I was viewing it as a vacation from being healthy and that's not right.
I have a belief that bingeing on junk food is a reward, a kindness to myself. I believe it's something I want. That belief is part of what leads me to stop by the gas station and buy three different bags of candy and eat all of them in half an hour just because, which leads me to a headache in the morning and a desire for more sugar, which leads to less nutrition and more weight gain.
Maybe I'll start trying harder to rewire my brain. I've thought this way since childhood, and it's not going to change overnight. I could do a daily writing on "why I don't want to binge" or "why bingeing doesn't make me happy." Any other thoughts or ideas?
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