When extreme weight gain was a defense mechanism or trauma response, shedding that weight does not always feel like something to be proud of.
On most days, I do feel more confident and more energetic due to my weight loss. Today was not one of those days.
I haven't really worn "real clothes" during my entire weight loss journey, since I've been working from home and have had no need to dress up. But today I needed to dig through my closet to find a proper, well-fitting outfit. Everything hung across me like a garbage bag. As I stood there swimming in my clothes, I felt an unsettling, palpable feeling like half of my body was missing. Like my protection layer was missing. Like that big blubbery part of me that kept people away—and kept me safe from being hurt by bad people—was gone.
I felt tiny and fragile standing in those giant clothes.
I kept digging through my closet and finally found something that fit. Clothes from college—a very rough period of my life. Putting those clothes on transported me right back in time to that place I've tried to leave behind. Putting on those clothes felt like putting on an old version of myself that I wanted to leave in the past. The clothes fit exactly right... and at the same time, I felt suffocated in them.
Weight loss is as much of a psychological journey as a physical one. For those of you whose weight challenges have deep roots, know you are not alone. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. It can hurt at times but it's for our own good.
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