Hello!
I just joined because tonight I finally realized how much weight I've gained. But I can't say that I've accepted it yet. And I would like some advice on how to get into the right mindset to start losing weight and maybe how to deal with the shameful feelings around it. Really thankful for any kind of support!
The story goes something like this.. I lost 30 kilos three years ago in about a year. Which is interesting, because I remember so distinctly that I wasn't like "Oh, I'm so fat I have to diet now." I knew I was big. I had been for a long time. It was just how I looked, I thought. But I have always struggled with mental illness and the reason I began "dieting" was mainly because I knew I needed to treat myself better to feel better. And the more weight I lost, the better people started treating me and the more terrified I began to feel at the thought of gaining it back. Being able to just wear any clothes, having "pretty privilege", etc, was just so foreign to me and needless to say it felt good and I didn't wanna lose that feeling.
Long story short, after receiving tons of positive feedback during my weight loss I started restricting A LOT and I lost even more weight, but I felt more miserable and uncomfortable about my body than ever, because I didn't realise it then, but I was basically starving myself. Around this time, I changed jobs (from a very active one to a desk), lost basically all of my friends, quit smoking and moved in with my partner. And during all of this, I started to comfort eat, happy eat, eat eat eat (and not exercising. At all.) and was in denial about the weight I was gaining. I was still stuck in the "I'm finally skinny" feeling and it clouded my perception. I didn't wanna go through the whole journey of losing weight again, so I just silently ignored my weight gain.
And now I feel so angry with myself. Like, there was no need to ever let it get this bad, why was I in denial for so long? After having all of that "freedom" when I was at my skinniest, I now feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I know it takes a lot of patience, hard work and discipline. But right now it feels so hard, impossible even. It's all or nothing for me, how do I find the balance? It was when I started counting calories that I began to fear food and I don't want to get in that place again.
If you've managed to read all of this I'm truly thankful. Maybe someone who is smarter than me knows some good advice or if you can relate.
Also, English isn't my first language, so please excuse any spelling/grammar errors.
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