I started loosing weight a few weeks ago I'm 22 still living in the same neighborhood I grew up in around people I grew up around.
To be honest I didn't want to diet or anything. I was kind of bullied/pressured into it because once a day I was getting some nasty comment about my weight and body by the people around me. I did it to shut them up and it worked, they aren't bothering me about that at least anymore.
I've lost...not a lot yet? I was about 230 or almost 230 awhile ago? Now I'm 217 and going down steadily and slowly. I replaced one of my meals normally breakfast with a homemade smoothie. Doesn't taste bad, normally good and filling. Lots of frozen fruit in there. Good stuff!
Just more quality meals overall. Limiting the snacking to a few times a week and to something smaller when I do go out...and that made a huge difference. The weight loss is slow and steady as well, so I should be OK on the loose skin front and all that. Gonna exercise again because I found that fun and haven't in awhile.
But when the initial dopamine hit after checking the scale hits and saying "Oh wow I lost weight" passes. I kind of just feel...lukewarm at best. Shitty at worst. Because I already noticed how different shit is in a bad way because of this and it's not even 40 pounds gone. It was so minor and already it's just.
I'm kind of disgusted with other humans to be honest.
Lately when I feel stressed out it's a lot more intense emotions. I feel my feelings deeper then I already did and I was a more sensitive individual to begin with, as much as I try to mask that. I wouldn't consider myself a stress eater persay? But I do like to chew on things when I'm stressed. I have those ADHD chew things or gum. Food obviously helps this as well. At the moment I have none of those things. So I kind of just...sit with it and can't really talk about it. No one will get it or will probably call me too sensitive or whatever.
I notice more how dissatisfied I am with how my life currently is and especially how it's been so far just...so boring and unfulfilling. The people I like to talk to and make me feel good aren't around as much, but the people I'm never sure what to do with and don't get me at best, or treat me badly at worst are around constantly and I don't have the means to get away from it yet.
Since I can't remove myself and gently bringing up my feelings didn't work my current tactic is distance and keep to myself more.
It helped mitigate some of that bullying, but now I'm just an Extrovert with no one to be an extrovert with. I'm going to try reaching out more to the people I do like instead of waiting on them, and have tried to make some new local friends? I never had any so that's interesting (If you're wondering why Home schooled, was never sure if I should pursue college for my career path, having more nerdy/geeky interests in a Conservative more old fashioned area, not being nuerotypical, being LGBT etc etc just...many things. I never fit in.)
As far as the actual weight itself. It's kind of exacerbated how not in control I feel over my own life and a sense of powerlessness and helplessness again. It's yet another rule I have to follow, because it wasn't exactly my choice. If that were it, it wouldn't be so bad,it would be a mild annoyance and it's not like I couldn't treat myself if I wanted something sweet.
BUT it's on top of a bunch of other stuff. I'm so tired of being so restricted. I have to bite down a lot of my interests and real opinions and just things that are ME on top of it because no one will get it or treat me badly for it. Even things that are supposed to be fun are all sterilized and boring around who Im currently around.
They're so fucking negative it's sucking the life out of me. I hate it. I wanna just go CRAZY and WILD for once, you know? Im tired of always playing it safe. I don't feel like I'm really LIVING more just floating along instead of actually being in control of my life. Maybe I never was to be honest.
Then there's just...dating and guys especially just. Don't even with them. I already had a bad impression of them because most dude friends I had immediately stopped being a friend when I didn't want to date them and said I just wanted to be friends. Already public encounters with guys are just...they're acting differently with me and it's so uncomfortable. I also feel smaller and more helpless to their advances even?
I already had trouble with romance and dating, never could quite someone I clicked with that returned my feelings. I've never had a partner before and was already unsure how to tell earlier on if a guy wanted me because I was me? Or me because I was hot. Now it went from being kinda hard to figure out to SUPER hard and I'm so fed up and frustrated and upset about it.
I just wanted to be loved for me, but now I feel even more so they only like me because I'm attractive. It makes me just feel like a fucking doll. I also know that once the weight loss becomes old news, the people I did this for will just find new flaws to constantly point out. But it's just...can't really control it? Can only try to take control of my own life and make it as happy and satisfying as I can with limited resources I guess...
I don't know basically ever since I started loosing weight all this shit is bothering me a lot more. I don't even know why I'm putting this up. I'm sorry if it's not enough about weight, but all of this became more pronounced since then and I saw other posts like this here? So I thought this may be the place.
TLDR Things cut deeper emotionally overall and I notice a lot more things now about how I'm being treated and my life just....fuck. People are fucking awful. They say mindfulness is good but right now it's a fucking curse. I'm so disgusted with this other side of people I see. I'd like my hope in humans back and to be happier in my life?
But now im just..overweight weird dorky girl to skinnier weird dorky girl. I guess? I don't know. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I do appreciate it and hope you're own journey is going well. I would def appreciate someone to talk to about this who gets it? That would definitely help, and I'm really sorry if this post is annoying. I've been holding all this in for awhile.
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