TW: restrictive eating , fasting discussion.
Basically, I decided to get the help of a Nutritionist who takes my insurance and has worked with women with PCOS. She goes off a non-diet approach and she is a registered dietitian actually, so nutritionist is more so the wrong word for it and we hope to take baby steps and see what we are working with. At this point, im open to the guidance of another individual. Because she understands when it comes to nutrition, the internet can be confusing.
This was very hard for me to do because it is challenging the side of me that still wants to see success on the scale and only cares about weight loss cause I feel as if my life cannot begin until I’ve lost all the weight — but I know that is not true.
Part of me is paranoid that if I start eating healthy and exercising, I will stop seeing results on the scale — the scale which kept me going forward and which I know I rely on for external validation far too much — but I know I need the help of a nutritionist to help guide me on where to start in regards to my health and wellness because of my PCOS, prediabetes (two months ago it was 5.4 but went back up to 5.8) and high cholesterol.
It sucks because I feel paranoid that if I start to eat three meals a day regularly then I will not lose a single pound but I think this is about listening to my body and doing what’s best for it by listening to it and getting the help of a nutritionist who has experience with PCOS. She was great enough to tell me that she was able to put me in for Monday and I can’t wait.
She will be looking over my recent lab results too so she can modify it to my needs and obviously with PCOS, glucose control is important too of which I asked her about.
fasting worked so well for me in the beginning of my journey, but now any time I try, it just doesn’t work out as much. I’m scared and nervous to go without fasting but I know mentally and physically I’m not in a healthy state of mind for it and it’s something I’ve been resisting of letting go
I see this as winning because I have 100 pounds left to go and no matter how long it takes me, I will get there. I just have to have faith in the process.
I remember I was so happy losing so much weight. Seeing that scale on the victory but it means nothing to me if I haven’t learned how to create a healthy new lifestyle for myself where I’m healthy inside and out.
I’ve lost 78 pounds but I’ve not learned how to compose a nutritionally balanced meal for me. I’ve lost 78 pounds and yet a natural cycle has not occurred for me yet, even though two did back when I was 30 pounds heavier (but I was more active and on my feet then due to work). I’ve lost 78 pounds and I’ve not improved my broken relationship with food.
It sucks to admit this to myself but this is my truth. I am in therapy, I’m doing the spiritual healing of shadow work and inner child, I’ve come into more acceptance and self love over myself than I thought I would.
Edit to add: I am nervous but I hope it’s a good fit. Growing up, my parents just bought us a bunch of junk food and whatnot. They would cave in to our demands and we never had a good example of nutritional value at home or even a normal family dinner. It was basically open season. I also recall many family members gasp or point out my weight and that I need to lose weight or I will end up morbidly obese like one aunt of mine. I recall my mother trying to tell me about weight loss shakes or snacks and pills. I understand she means well — they all did in their own way — but it damaged me so much more and my self esteem never was given the chance to grow …
Because of my weight, I held myself back in the areas of love, intimacy, and relationships with other people.
I just felt like I needed to let it all out. Thank you for listening .
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