I can't see an end in sight - I think I need help

I (F34) have always been overweight. When I went to uni I dedicated myself to weight loss for the first time, joined spark people, a gym and yoga class, ate 1200 cals (plus alcohol) and quickly dropped 50lbs. But because it was by not eating and drinking a lot, I not only re-gained, but added on without noticing over the next few years. Rewind to 5 years ago, I was tipping the scale at 250lbs and lost the ability to do anything comfortably, from sitting to moving etc - you guys know the drill. I went on a "strict" diet, 1200 calories, moderate exercise, and over the next 8 or so months dropped 75lbs. I was just 10lbs away from my goal weight, and for some reason I gave up? I was very depressed at the time so that probably played a big role.

Fast-forward to today, I'm under 200lbs, but 50-ish lbs away from my goal weight. I've been trying, guys. I'm counting calories, but keep slipping up (mainly after I drink too much, I inhale food the next day). I have an exercise bike and a great app, but I can't find the energy to just do it. My weight goes up and down 5lbs every month. When I'm on track, I lose easily, and then I go ruin it all again. I don't have a lot of confidence and I really don't like myself, and lately I've been feeling so uncomfortable in my body.

I thought maybe a personal trainer could help, but then I saw the rates. I think maybe someone to keep me accoutable and motivate me would be great, but I'm not sure if this is not another "bandaid" like my bike, my fitbit, my fancy scale - all these things that are great if you're doing the job, but not doing the job, you know? Do online personal trainers exist? I'm on myfitnesspal which I love, but don't want a Noom-style app that I just don't thing is the right approach.

I wanted to ask the community what you thought. Or if you have any tips. Or any experiences you could share. I'm going to be 35 years old soon and I'm so tired of living my life like this, I still have time to turn things around, but I keep being my biggest enemy.

submitted by /u/Rothkette
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