This is so hard for me to talk about.
I’ve been attempting to lose weight since late 2016, when I was 250 lbs. I got to a low of 231 lbs at the end of August 2017. I fell off the weight loss train due to my binge eating issues and I was 251.7 lbs in February 2018. That was the kick that I needed to get my act together, and I steadily lost weight from that moment.
I ate at a deficit, indulged occasionally but made sure all of my meals were healthy and fulfilling. I took time to learn more about nutrition and figure out what way of eating worked for me. The proper amount of protein that would leave me full.
In 2018 I made sure to go on daily walks which was my favorite way to exercise. It was a great way for me to get active. In spring 2019 I became a track athlete which taught me new workouts and I was able to exercise everyday. In the summer I got a free gym membership for the summer and went every other day. That really helped me and my weight loss quickened.
I really did feel like I was on top of the world. I was binge free, had a awesome relationship with food, did not deprive myself of anything, and was truly happy with how I was eating and how I looked. But it was in 2019 that my weight loss became rocky at times. In late May I went off track and gained 10 lbs quickly. I pulled in the reigns and got to my lowest weight of 128 by late September. I was so, so happy.
Then it all fell apart.
Something in my head snapped. I thought I was done with losing weight and was fine with how I looked. I did absolutely no research into how to up my calories to maintenance. Nor did I properly calculate my maintenance calories. Somehow in all my research of weight loss and calories and nutrition I didn’t teach myself anything about what to do at goal. I jumped the gun and overdid it by immediately adding back the 900 calories I thought I needed to maintain. In turn my binge habits came back. I ate so much I became sick. I was making myself miserable but I could not get out of the binge mindset.
Quickly I started gaining weight. I was 155 at my check up 2 months later. No one was particularly worried; I was still a healthy weight, and I looked and felt fine. I had lost the weight before, I could lose it again.
Then 2020 happened.
My thought during the lockdown was, since no one will see me I can eat whatever because I’ll just lose the weight soon enough. I know how to do it, I know how to cut calories, I’ll indulge for a month or two and that will be that.
Instead it’s now summer 2021 and I sit here at 235. I am basically back to where I started.
It has taken such a toll on me. I look at pictures of me at my lowest weight and I just cry and cry. I know it’s pathetic but I remember how even then I didn’t truly like the way I looked. I took it for granted. I have become the exact thing I tried so hard to run from.
It was in recent weeks that I became truly fed up. I have exactly 2 shirts of mine that fit me. I frequently wear extremely oversized shirts because I can’t stand to look at myself. I had enough of having nothing to wear and not liking what I looked like in a mirror or in pictures. I had enough of a damaged relationship with food.
I haven’t binged in a week and I am already losing the water weight. It’s still hard to get motivated. I feel depressed often and it’s difficult to feel ok in my body. But I recognize I am the reason I look like this and it’s solely my fault.
In my friends and family I used to be the poster child of inspiration and weight loss. Now I am nothing but a shell of what I once was. I feel as if I let everyone down.
This whole post is somewhat of a ramble but I haven’t told a single person I know of my story and how I really feel. I find myself the most motivated when I’m here in this community, so I am coming back again. Hopefully this time to stay.
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