My mind is sabotaging my chances of weight loss :(

Hey Loseit! Hope you're having an sweaty sunday haha. F18 5'1 here and I've been "trying" (inconsistent dieting and bulimic tendencies) to lose weight for as long as I can remember (since I was 7) and the only time I was ever successful was when I deprived myself of food (850 cals) and went from 130 to 110 in 4 months or so when I was 16. Needless to say it wasn't sustainable and I slowly gained it back during the pandemic (ate 2000 cals/day) and now I'm 140 :(

So I know that to lose weight healthily I need to create sustainable lifestyle changes like eating a well balanced diet in a caloric deficit (~1200 cals) and exercising a few times a week. However, for most of the days I make up excuses (which I know are absolute BS) and I end talking myself down to the point of where I become depressed and borderline suicidal about my body image. I usually think of toxic things like:

• There's no point of trying losing weight because:
  • I'll never be naturally skinny and I'll never be able to wear cute clothes bc my body shaped so weirdly and I have no waist
  • It's hard and I've never been able to successfully lose weight ever
  • I've have no self control and I'll end up binging and sabotaging myself anyways (my family also keeps bringing junk food despite me begging them not to)
  • I have an apple shape + saggy small butt & huge doughy stomach and there's no way I'll ever be able to get a tiny waist and bubble butt
  • I should get lipo now otherwise I'll still be fat and ugly by the time uni starts and no ones going to like me anyways
  • I don't have a workout buddy to keep me accountable and do workouts with (I still workout on my own but I become very demoralized when I see what an absolute piece of garbage my body looks like when moving)
• I often spend hours looking at my body and picking myself apart to the point of where I can't think about anything else for the entire day and I want to hurt myself :(
• I've started hating exercising all together because my bf constantly nags at me until I do an at home workout even though I hate them and I'd rather walk or dance (but he says its not good enough for weight loss)

I know that all of the stuff I listed above is obviously really dumb and there's a logical solution to each of my "problems" but whenever I think of one toxic thing about my body it becomes this vicious cycle and no amount of reasoning or science can convince me that I can lose weight (even though I know it's possible). Has anyone gone through anything similar and what do you do to stop this? I'd appreciate any advice I could get! Thank you wonderful humans <3

submitted by /u/ketonebutketwo
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