I'm almost at 60lbs loss, despite unhelpful comments from my always skinny brother to both me and other hefty members of my family.
I was always "overweight" even as a teenager, and received a lot of grief about it, but looking back at the few pictures I allowed to be taken despite my abysmal self image, I really really was not, nor did I need to lose weight especially as I was still growing. Being generally bullheaded and having un-diagnosed ASD at the time probably didn't help either.
The thing is I never wanted to diet despite how much it was pushed on me. The truth was that I didn't care about being fat, and it wasn't affecting how I felt physically, but the constant comments definitely were adding to my already poor mental health.
So I decided to stop hating myself and start loving myself no matter what size/weight I was, and it helped a lot, I still struggled with mental health issues, but for the first time in my life it wasn't about my appearance.
I was overweight (and still am) but at peace with myself.
And then after graduating college I got the news that my mother, was diagnosed with a serious mental illness, and then four months later covid hit and I lost my job. I spent a year in severe depression, barely able to push myself to get out of bed.
By the time I qualified for the vaccine in my state for the first vaccine I weighed 309lb and a month later for the second I was 311. I knew that while I didn't mind being fat I also didn't want to weigh that much. Still I had no motivation to change anything yet.
My mother's condition got worse and I ended up moving in with her and my brother since my schedule was the most flexible to watch her. But my already poor mental health took a further dive.
Fact about me: I have pretty bad food anxiety, lots of reasons for that, but if I feel especially anxious I can't eat, so I'll starve myself until I can't and then do extreme binging. This is especially a problem since despite the fact I love my asshole brother, he is the source and cause of a lot of my eating dysfunctions.
I spent two months starving myself and then binging on fast food to the extreme, to the point I felt sick at times.
And then I decided that it was enough, I couldn't keep living like this, it wasn't healthy for my body, but especially not for my mind.
I didn't know where to start, but I did what I always did when I wanted to make a change in my life, I sat down and researched.
I hate the fad diets my mother put me on as a kid, Keto/Paleo/lemonade fasting/going vegan were all things I wanted to avoid. I love cooking, but I didn't know how to track calories for homemade meals, and I kinda hate exercising, hikes and walks were and are the bane of my existence (this hasn't changed since I was 135lb to 300lb+). I also knew I needed to stop the binging cycle and keep my fasting under control. So I discovered CICO.
I knew about calorie tracking as a teenager, but I was also emotionally mature enough to realize that I wasn't emotionally mature enough to calorie track without developing an ED. However, I was nearly ten years older, more secure in myself, and the truth was I needed the ability to tell myself I was allowed to eat, which I could do when I knew exactly how much I was eating. For me it was a point of self care.
Now it's almost the end of the year and I'm nearly at 250lb, and if I wasn't so determined to prove I can lose the weight I might have stopped here since I actually do like the way I look even if I'm still a fattie! However, I want to go down more and I'm happy enough with my current routine that it's not a struggle and is actually quite fulfilling.
But this got me thinking, I never lost weight in the past because I did not want to, once I decided that it's what I wanted I did it/am doing it.
If you want to lose weight, you can do it, it is possible, but you have to be truly honest with yourself about it. You have to take a cold hard look at yourself. You can't say "I want to lose weight" and not change anything or lament about it, because you have to be honest with yourself and if you don't want to make changes, you don't really want to lose weight.
And I want to say that's okay! You'll only ever lose weight when you really truly want to lose weight, but until then don't beat yourself up about, learn to love yourself as you are and loving yourself will lead to better choices for yourself, up to and including weight loss.
For all the people making this journey a part of their new year resolution, please look within yourself if it's what you really want, and if it is it'll make your path so much easier.
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