I am 20F, 5’6, and while I haven’t weighed myself in a long time, I’m guessing that I would be around 200-215lbs. In 2019, I weighed 195lbs and was overall pretty overweight throughout all of high school, but that summer when I graduated something just... snapped in me. Before, I would try diets or counting calories and then give up after about a week or so. But at that time I was literally about to order nachos at work haha and I just got this overwhelming feeling of “I can’t be this big anymore” and started counting that day. I went all the way down to about 160lbs and felt really good about myself! This took about 3 months from August-November.
I was satisfied with my body and maintained that weight until about July 2020 when I met my boyfriend. I’ve heard a lot about the term relationship weight, and I think that’s what happened to me. I kind of just... let go. Slowly I ballooned in weight and look just as big as I did back when I first started my weight loss journey, if not a little bigger honestly. I don’t own a scale and I’m too scared to weight myself but I’m guessing I weight anywhere from 200-215lbs.
My self esteem has suffered from it because I always remember just how good I felt being 160. My figure was really pretty, I had no double chin, my eyes looked so big and bright! Now I just see this fat moon face with small eyes and it kills me on the inside. I also hurt too, because I’m sure my boyfriend has clearly noticed the difference. He has always been there for me and reassured me that he loves me and finds me attractive, but I can’t blame him if he maybe has some negative thoughts about me because I’ve gained 40+ pounds for sure.
But the thing is, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. My dad never cooked for me and would often just pop a whole bag of cheese sticks into the oven and call it dinner. I have really horrible eating habits and even when I was losing weight, I would eat an entire bag of hot chips for dinner and think it was okay as long as I stayed under 1200.
I want so so bad for it to just click in my head again that I need to lose the weight. I think about how much I loved my old body and just how hard I worked for it. I find myself more tired now, and am out of breath just walking up some stairs sometimes. This shouldn’t be me! I feel like I should mention these feelings to my therapist because I have been attending recently to address my childhood trauma, but a big part of my trauma is neglect and I do feel like because of being neglected it’s spilled over into the habits I have today. I wonder if I have some sort of eating disorder, because I genuinely have these feelings of anger and sadness if I don’t have exactly what I want to eat sometimes. When I was dieting as well, sometimes I would make myself vomit if I knew I went over my calorie limit.
I’m not even sure if this is the right sub for this, but any advice or even words of encouragement would be really appreciated.
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