TW: starvation eating disorder talk
I’m getting really, really frustrated with myself. I can’t understand why I don’t just stay consistent with weight loss. I don’t think I can get surgery because I have an autoimmune disease that requires me to be able to drink a lot of water and be super hydrated all the time. I don’t like tracking calories because I get hyper focused and feel really restricted and rebel against it.
I guess I should preface that I’m going to begin looking for an eating disorder specific therapist. I have a lot of deep seated issues from growing up in my family: obsessed with diet culture, obsessed with thinness. I’ve only ever been obese or thin from starving myself/being bulimic.
Currently I’m about 310. Im 5’4. Female. I’m about to be 33. I’ve been fantasizing having a “revenge” body since I’m a literal child. It’s not normal. My whole entire life has been about my weight, huge emphasis from family, obviously endured some bullying in school. I was only ever accepted everywhere when I got down to like 140ish lbs and was really thin. I was incredibly sick, though. I was in two different “rehabs” for anorexia and bulimia. As soon as I stopped starving it turned to binging. I think I was allowed to leave therapy too soon. I’ve just never had anyone have my freaking back. With anything. No one pushing me in good directions and looking out for my best interest.
I just don’t understand why I can’t stay focused, or how I can want something so badly and still not give it to myself. It really seems crazy to me when I think about it. I have wanted to be skinny my whole life, and have had a lot of time to actually lose weight, but I don’t. That’s nuts!
Obviously I’m SMO. I have a ton of stretch marks. Know there will be extra skin. It all makes me feel ruined and like a piece of trash. Like no one will ever actually care about me because if it. Or I can’t be sexy ever. I think back to my body when I was starving myself and hate myself for gaining so much weight. I could have had a really nice body if I would have gone from starving to just being healthy. I literally hate myself for what my body has turned into. What I did to it. Hate.
Whatever. I’m sick of the story already, but to keep things short, I lost the past six or seven years to chronic illness and then the pandemic. I became extremely sick and it took five years to diagnose and treat my autoimmune disease. It was extremely traumatizing but I’m just trying to move on. Then I’ve been homebound the past two years because of covid. I caught covid in the first round and almost died. My hair is still growing back from losing it. That’s how severe I had it. Hair loss.
I want to be at my goal weight of 145lbs by the time I turn 35. I want a life. I want a partner. I haven’t dated for over ten years. I don’t know if it’s because people find me repulsive or because I’m super closed off and don’t think I deserve to be with someone or have sex until I’m a normal weight. I’ve had sex overweight with my ex and it just made me feel gross. I know I’ll never have a perfect body and that hurts me deep down in a way that is probably stupid. I’m a perfectionist.
Is there a way to stay more accountable? To not fall in the hole of doing great and then crashing and burning? Do I need to keep a chart on my wall? Is there a specific scale to buy? Do I majorly need an eating disorder therapist? Like ASAP. I want to stop letting myself down and not keeping my word. I know it’s from coming from a family that was like that. And there is some deep internal pain I’m replaying or something. Whatever deep Freud shit is going on. But I just can’t be like this anymore.
Someone please have some tips.
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