Sorry to ask, but starvation mode isn't real, right? Then what in the depths of hell is wrong with me?

So... I got two answers in the ED sub I like to post in but I thought you guys could have some more answers as most science subs don't allow medical advice. At least that's what I think judging by the massive amounts of posts with the term "starvation mode" in them here

TW for pretty low cal counts and ED and suicidal thoughts

So, I'm 16FTM. 169 cm, CW 58/59 kg, LW 49 GW 50 (don't worry, my weigh-in lady didn't worry when I was 49 kg so 50 is safe!).

Sometime in September last year my weight loss suddenly stopped and my weight started going up. I was eating an average of 600 calories a day back then. Everyone was so happy with the fact I was gaining that they didn't even bother to ask me if I was eating more, so I was at a loss. No one would give me answers, no one would believe me. Everyone just thought I was accidentally counting my intake as 1500 calories less than what I was eating, and well, I wasn't. My daily menu included 15 g of ham and cherry tomatoes for breakfast, whatever we had at home for dinner (<400 cals) and 25% on a pint of diet ice cream, with maybe a couple rice cakes. Does that sound like a 1 pound a week weight gain plan to you?

I was torn. I cried and cried, until after two months I had had enough. I started eating more both with the hope of being able to lose weight again and out of anger towards my school nurses, school doctor (they didn't listen) and therapist (she congratulated me on my weight gain without any questions while I was crying in front of her). Well, unlike their predictions, I gained weight. A lot of weight. While eating my maintenance.

I wanted to continue eating more until the weight gain stopped and well, it did last week. But... I'm now 59 kg. I've gained a kilo a week almost every week for the last two months. I want to cry all the time. I can't shower, sit or put my binder on without thinking about slicing the fat off my body. I'm suicidal again. The ED thoughts are louder. I hate my life.

The worst thing is, according to my school nurse, the reason for the weight gain is the malnourishment. My thyroid is fine, there are no signs of PCOS. Just the previous starving. That's pretty much the definition of starvation mode, but every single time someone even mentions starvation mode in here or any other sub, the top comment is "SM is a myth". I don't know what to believe anymore. So, thoughts?

Thanks to anyone who answers. I'm really confused right now. I've stopped eating lunch again because I hate my current body. I'm pretty sure this will lead to a relapse and honestly, I don't care. I want my 50 kg body back.

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