Hello!
I(26f) currently weigh in at 79kg(174 lbs). My starting weight was 99kg(218 lbs), so I’ve lost about 20kg(44 lbs).
I’ve been trying to lose weight for pretty much my entire conscious life. This is the most weight I’ve ever managed to lose, but weirdly, I don’t feel like I’m in control of it.
I’ve known for a very long time how to lose weight. I’ve known about calories, exercise, steps, etc. But I’ve never been able to consistently stick with it I also struggle with binge eating(a lot).
I’m trying really hard to change my entire mindset around food, weight, and dieting. I know that I want to lose more weight, ideally around another 15-20kg(33-44lbs) but what scares me is that I don’t actually understand what is different this time.
I don’t know what suddenly made it “click.” I don’t know why I was able to lose 20 kg this time when I’ve struggled with my weight for so long. And because I don’t know what caused the change, it makes me feel like I don’t have any control over whether I’ll loose more.
I’m constantly afraid of gaining the weight back.
Recently, I had a few days where I didn’t count calories, and over the course of maybe a week or two, the scale went up by around 1.5 kg. I know that this isn’t necessarily a big deal, and I know that weight can fluctuate for all kinds of reasons. I’m trying to get back into my “routine” now, but it just made everything feel so fragile.
I keep trying to remind myself that I have managed to lose this weight. So surely I’m capable of maintaining it and eventually losing the rest too. But emotionally, I’m just so fucking scared.
And I really, really want to lose the weight. I’ve wanted this more than almost anything for such a long time. I’m also not planning on taking medication for weight loss. I feel like if I’ve managed to get this far without it, I should be able to make it all the way.
Normally, when I decide to lose weight, it’s very deliberate. I tell myself, “Okay, I’m going to lose weight now,” and then I start exercising, counting calories, making sure I get my steps in, and doing all the things I’m “supposed” to do.
This time, it almost feels like a haze i never really made that conscious decision in the way I normally do.
I’m incredibly happy about the progress, but at the same time, it feels fragile because I don’t understand what happened or why it worked this time.
I think I mostly just needed to write this off my chest. But if anyone has experienced something similar then I would love to hear about it!
Thank you for reading❤️
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