I have struggled with self esteem since I was a kid. Most times, it revolves around my weight.
I am definitely overweight (F, 5'7, 260lbs) and have been told by my doctor that I need to lose weight. However, every time I try to diet and exercise, I trigger my symptoms of dysmorphia.
Some background:
- I experience depression and anxiety, and am on medication for both.
- I have a history of self-harm (cutting, biting, hitting) that began when I was 12 (last episode was 2 years ago).
- I was anorexic at 12 and attempted bulimia around the same time.
(r/BodyAcceptance doesn't allow posts on weight loss, but yes I am following r/EatingDisorders)
- My most recent bout of weight loss happened 3 years ago, when I lost 60 pounds. Unfortunately, I did this by limiting my calories to 600/day and doing at least an hour of cardio every day.
It is SO hard for me to diet and/or exercise without falling into these old ways. And when I try to do things in a healthy way, I get impatient and angry with myself. Trying to diet and exercise brings a lot of my energy and attention to my weight, which makes me depressed and irritable.
I normally see a therapist, and we have discussed this issue multiple times. Typically, it ends up with me either deciding to love myself the way I am, or making some healthy weight loss commitment that I don't stick to.
Does this describe anyone else's experience? How do you handle all the conflicting pressure?
TL;DR: I need to lose weight, but have a history of serious self esteem issues. How can I manage my physical health without jeopardizing my mental health?
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