Hi everybody,
In the past year, I have lost about 50 pounds. This has moved from an overweight BMI to one in the middle of the normal range (21). It’s the skinniest I have been since high school.
On the one hand, this has meant that other people treat me better. I think we can all relate to how horribly we can be treated, just because we are overweight. For some people, any kindness or accomplishments are negated because we have (or had, it is a process, and even if you are doing everything right it might not yet show) a difficult relationship with food. And any harassment seems fair game – maybe even funny. This really bugs me; it is important to realize that you guys are not defined by your looks or the weight loss journey that you are on. There is so much more to a person.
Anyways, I am no longer fat enough to be ridiculed. Furthermore, people have become more approaching in social situations. Unfortunately, I feel the worst about my body (and therefore myself in its entirety) that I have ever felt. It’s excruciating to live with myself, in my body. It physically makes me sick. I get nauseous out of disgust when I think of myself. And I really don’t want to continue living like this. Like, is it even worth it?
My body is still ugly. I am no longer fat throughout my body. But I still have a “skinny fat” gut. Worse, now that the bigger issue is gone, it is also glaringly obvious that I’m weak, with no muscle mass whatsoever. It’s bad enough for people to make comments about it.
I feel like I have the type of body that nobody will ever respect, find attractive or love. There is this distance between me and friends, stemming from me being “different” and unworthy of respect because I’m not fit. And romantically, nobody has ever thought I was physically attractive. I’ve become a consolidation price, causing me to nope out of any intimacy.
It feels unfixable too. I am a pretty optimistic person, but I don’t think I will ever become fit. I have trouble going to the gym with the intensity to seriously change my appearance. When I started this weight loss thing, I tried to religiously work out. But this went horribly. The workouts cut into my sleep, because the time must come from somewhere. And I had to sacrifice fun stuff (travelling, parties), because I was too anxious to skip a workout and fall off the bandwagon. And I’m bad with free weights (they cause me anxiety from being weak, it’s difficult to maximize the effort without a spotter, and I don’t know how to do some exercises and a single explanation was not enough because I’m so unathletic). I always got weaker and burned out. I have only managed to lose the weight by stopping this obsession with (ineffectively) working out.
Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Have any of you guys suffered from insecurities after losing the weight? Does it ever become better? Is there any way to accept and myself, even with a shit body?
PS: I hope that the weight loss journey will be better for you guys, hopefully this is just me. And while we’re at it, again your mileage may vary though, for me the weight loss become a lot easier over time. After a while my appetite reduced. As long as I eat healthy, my body can actually signal when I am satiated now. So please hang in there if it’s tough at the moment. I hope this will also happen for you guys.
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