I dunno what i'm trying to relate through this message.
Without being doxxed, I have had a completely crazy past few years. In 2011, I lost 110lbs in 6 months and was following the keto diet. I had women I found attractive suddenly getting to know me (as well as getting laid left and right) while enjoying my newfound energy and confidence.
In 2012, I got into a fight with multiple coworkers at work (unrelated to all this) and in December, I parted ways. I was scared, lost and confused, but realized I couldn't work with these people ever again. I had a girlfriend I had started dating a few months before, and she was very supportive through that time. January 13, I started a county government job. things were going great.
Throughout 2013, me and the girlfriend were having struggles. I started zoloft in March, and in October, I was released from 1 year probation and was workless again. 2 weeks later, mid October, my girlfriend called it quits. This setup my decline into the worst period of my life. I was depressed, sad and unable to form thoughts of how I wanted to live my life from that point forward.
I returned to my food addiction, eating thousands of calories and ballooning back to 450ish pounds. I was depressed and wasn't realizing it at the time.
February 2014, my life continued to change. In what I feel was an unfair trial, a brother of mine killed someone in a car accident and was charged with 2nd degree murder for it...even though the accident was caused by a medical condition.
Just like that, 2014 became the year I lost myself. Food, alcohol binges, constant fights with loved ones and trying to find validation in anything and everything. 2015 became a year of a tried (and failed) rebirth, as I tried to remove myself from negative aspects of life and form health habits. I was becoming friends with someone I didn't realize I was getting to close to, as she was to me. We moved in together in 2016. I found some stability in a job, but my freakouts were too much for her...I moved out and back with my parents at the end of the year. We stopped talking in 2017 and I had nobody close to rely on. In July, I attempted suicide and was 51/50 for a few days.
That brought on the biggest change of my life. I was diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar II, PTSD, OCD and eating disorder. I began a medication and therapy treatment that continues to this day. in December of last year, I once again attempted. Through unexpected connections, I ended up moving back in with this woman, who had now gotten a boyfriend. I was alone, but not really. We were still good friends and I slowly lost interest in any relationship except the friendship that we had. I think most of those problems were tied to my mental issues. our roommate situation leveled out, and although we are great friends, I moved out due to housing issues in June and only recently came back into the household after the housing issue wasn't an issue anymore.
2018 now, and I am pushing 440lbs again. I am in a completely different place mentally than I was in previous years before. I treated the symptoms of my issues (the weight) without treating the underlying causes. Now, I was finally making breakthroughs to the problems underneath. I am about 3 months out since the last suicidal ideations. I have a stable job again, with decent benefits and make shit money, but at least I am stable. I now live with someone who has become my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without her. I have been dating as well, although nothing has panned out.
With the work I am making on myself, my therapist has been happy to see my progress. She is happy I am opening up myself again to dating, as well as working on my mental health issues. I take medications religiously now, and overall feel about 70% better than I did in 2014.
Now, I want the weight gone! 440lbs is not a weight I ever envisioned myself to be at, let alone for what probably has been a decade. I have trouble walking, breathing, stooping... I have sexual problems which are probably the most embarrassing. Hygiene is a key issue and I take multiple baths a day because I feel I stink.
In the past, every time I attempted any form of weight loss regiment, workout regiment, I simply gave up. I don't know why I gave up. Life...depression...self deprication, I know these are all things that have made me hang up the gloves before.
Now, I want to try again. I want to survive. I want to prevail. I loved Keto and hope to try a variation of it, but I find constant motivation to be an issue. My disease makes me feel alone to the world and unimportant, so it is hard to come out of that mindframe when I'm in one of those self spiraling episodes. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror. I am disgusted beyond words at what I see. It becomes the seed that germinates in my mind about how worthless I am and how I'm a lost cause. It takes willpower and focus to even get out of that mindframe.
But I want to change. I want to tie my own shoes without being winded...or put on my socks while standing up. I want my clothes to fit well. I want to be sure wiping my ass isn't a 20 minute ordeal. I want to ride a rollercoaster, and have walks through forests and national parks. I want to travel in an airplane without worrying about my seat or the people sitting next to me. I want to experience the real world without my weight limiting what I can and can't do.
I don't know what to expect from the future. Part of me tells me I will die by suicide sometime in my future. Another part tells me it doesn't have to happen. At 440lbs, I feel like I'm not living anyways.
Lose it...I don't know where to begin to even start a healthy weighloss and workout regimen I can follow and not discourage myself. In the past year I have cutout all soda from my life and I try to stay away from fast food too. Somehow I don't feel it is enough. When I am sad, I get lost in it, and say "fuck the world" to everything. It is so discouraging and without weight loss in my future, I feel death is the only thing I can welcome that is certain.
help me lose it. I don't know where to begin.
Sorry for the wordvomit. I hurt so much inside, I feel I needed to get that out. is there still hope for me?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2DzYwb0
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