Possible trigger warning?
I'm 17 and my whole youth has been wasted on failed weight loss attempts and unhealthy habits I need to kick out. From childhood to now, I have never had a healthy relationship with food. I was a very chubby kid-- probably morbidly obese, actually-- and I have always been aware of that. Late elementary to middle school I started restricting calories and overexercising but when high school started it turned into binging and forcing myself to vomit afterwards. I highly doubt purging even helps to lose weight and I'm already aware of all the consequences, but it has turned into my method of coping and has luckily helped to maintain my weight from getting even higher than it already is.
But now I'm determined to lose weight properly. 25 pounds that I want and need to shed. But my compulsive eating habits keep on messing me up. And I literally do not have the control over myself to stop. I could be doing so well and then completely mess up eating thousands of calories in a single sitting, making me feel so heavy and guilty and it ultimately leads to my purging. I used to use my hands but it created scars on my knuckles that people around me would ask about, so I was able to get myself to learn how to throw up without needing to trigger a gag reflex, making it a lot harder to quit as it's become to easy to do. I have tried so many methods to stop my binges but it feels genuinely impossible. Each binge and purge session usually takes an average 2 hours and some days I do it 4 times a day, so that's up to 8 hours of my day wasted on something so stupid. And I'm kind of just really tired.
How do I get help for this, be treated seriously, and lose the weight I need to?
I have considered contacting my doctor, but I'm currently still considered a minor and I'm not sure if they would need to contact my parents (I 100% prefer to keep my family out of this and do not at all want to speak to them about this for my own reasons) and if I need money to pay and I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to go to my doctor for something so stupid. One of my concerns is that they will not take me seriously. I'm not underweight and I'm actually perfectly, physically healthy. I can usually handle things. I SHOULD be able to handle things. But lately things haven't been well and it's been affecting my school performance and sleeping habits and I've been feeling so crap. I'm not sure what to do but as for now I've realized that me attempting to fix things myself has just turned into another unhealthy, repetitive cycle, where I'm doing more harm for myself than good and I want to reach out for myself. But I need to know where to step. I'm so f/cking clueless.
but I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I SHALL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
LET's END 2018 WITH A BANG. wOOOOOO!
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