I know this is long but please do read if you've offered help on here before, I would love for as many to see this as possible to open up for a candid discussion that I really need. For those put off by the length I will have something of a TL;DR on the bottom!
I do not see this as "a question in regards to your personal weight loss efforts" in a conventional sense, I needed this sort of room for this post, so I did not use the Q&A thread. I hope that's alright.
I have been a lurker on this community for a long time. On another account for the most part, over two years I would say. I've actually tried posting once but perhaps the account had too little karma back in the day? Anyhow, I wanted to give a little background, chat with like-minded folks, try to really, really get myself started and to end my cycle of despair. This is an amazing community that has helped so many others and I know it's a place where good discussion and advice can be given.
I'm twenty years old, from the U.S. I was a wrestler in High School, but have had awful eating habits my whole life. I was in shape back then. Not cut or anything, still chubby but a lot of that was what I consider to be "baby fat", I weigh more but look more mature than I did. I always thought I looked young and like a child. I have a round face but beneath I really do think it's a bit more angular. I learned recently that asides from binge-eating disorder and fairly controllable bullimia, I may have body dysmorphia. I do not want you all to think that I am actually thin/skinny/in shape because of that. I am aware I see myself as worse than I am, but that does not mean I am by any means looking good. I am definitely overweight. I'm 5'6" and am a little under 210 pounds. I am not called fat in most instances, no one has called me explicitly fat, and I did lose 20 pounds over the summer which helps. It doesn't seem just to be sugarcoating either. My therapist even looked shocked and voiced his concern when I explained how I thought I was "fat". Well, fine, my definition of fat is what I am now. I don't have a good body regardless of if people don't consider me fat by their own definitions. I know it's a shitty term to even call oneself, and I am working on accepting myself more, but that's why I'm here and why I hope to discuss a few things.
As for the "awful eating habits I mentioned", I eat quickly, I eat a lot. When I'm done with a meal I habitually eat more. It can be something like an entire bag of microwave popcorn, sometimes extra butter, no matter the size of the previous meal. One massive meal a day and not much/something healthy from there is actually something I can do and it's how I've maintained after my weight loss. I am aware this is most likely not a good method, but as someone who binges like I do I find that if I got a large binge out of the way I can at least maintain for the day. Lately I noticed that I'm slipping and saw myself go up from the 206 I've been maintaining for months.
How I lost weight over the summer, despite these problems?
Keto.
I loved keto. It was tough, but something switched in me, I was somehow able to do it with few issues to be honest. I had cravings here and there but not as many in the beginning surprisingly enough. I wanted to lose some weight for a trip to Europe and it worked. Twenty pounds down in a month. It was quick mostly because of water weight, I noticed by the end I was slowing down in weight loss but for once was comfortable with the slow speed because it was true, tangible progress. I still was uncomfortable in my body for the most part, I have a few stretch marks that I dislike, but I had more energy and felt good.
I was worried that, since it was basically impossible to maintain my diet while in Italy of all places, that when I was back I would not be able to continue. I told myself, when I returned, that I'd order out, get some American food that I missed for a few days, then return to keto.
I never returned.
I tried a few times but it always fizzled. I realized I intrinsically cannot live on that high fat diet, I realized I needed to fix the habits I've built up to eat food like a normal human being and not have to worry so much about what exactly that food is. Unless I do? Do I? Is that necessary and I'm being delusional? That's a big issue for me.
I love the idea of becoming a health nut, getting physically and mentally healthy through exercise and proper diet, but I think for me to deny good food, a part of my culture and my life since I was young, would not be something I can physically handle. I did for a time, but I was admittedly scared of the commitment. I did not think I could go years on Keto, not by a long shot.
That brings us close to today, but before I continue I need to discuss the past.
I was a hundred fifty pounds as a Freshman in highschool, one sixty for the next two years. I always felt like one fifty five, one sixty was where I belonged, but senior year I could not maintain like I had in the past. I don't know what it was. I was binging like mad, I had to go one seventy in the season and hardly maintained that. I was shooting up in weight, and when the season ended, I shot up more. I was two hundred pounds by the end of the year. I rose steadily from there. I was 220 last year for a majority of the year. At my most in my life I was 225.
I lost some weight by means I do not remember. Some extra exercise, but I was 220 for a long time until Keto began. Just wanted to share that tidbit from my life. The forceful dietary habits of wrestling had an impact on me I think, but I am unsure if that's just an excuse or not. I always had bad habits, this I realized recently if I'm honest.
SO! Here we are, the brunt of it's out of the way, and what mainly I need help with, what I would like to talk about, is how I can help myself now given the various conditions and issues with my life.
Sometimes when I binge badly I go to bed thinking I'll die in my sleep. It's a crazy thought, but when I wake up I feel panicked and scared to be honest. I can be a bit of a hypochondriac but that didn't start until I was at the height of my weight. I am getting better with that now. Therapy has sort of helped me. It's only been a few months but talking about it has opened me up to my mental issues and I can understand a lot of how I see myself and the world now. It's why I'm able to write about my problems in a candid manner like this, because I actually know what they are for once, rather than going through life thinking I was "just an introvert". Nope. It's a ton of anxiety, it's body dysmorphia, disliking myself, and it all ties into my god damn appearance. My height and my weight. One of those factors is so out of my control I've even started thinking positively about it, to dwell on one's height is to invite more pain and I'm done with it, I've always cared more about weight and fat and health than that anyway.
This may come off as rambling, I am not trying to, merely offering as much of what's inside of my head as possible to paint a picture, but I will speed things up.
I think that I can beat binge eating and bulimia by fixing habits rather than directly fighting the illnesses, which I have tried for years. I think that chewing food longer, putting down the utensils, eating slower, drink-breaks, things of that sort, will help me, will end my binge eating. Is this possible in any one's experience? I did this for a few days recently. It helped but it was hellish. Does it get better? I just want it to get better. I have many long term fears. If every day of my life will be a fight against food I would give up now. I have never gotten better, but everyone says that when they do it truly is easier and I can only hope that's the case.
Are the people here who have lost weight and maintained all people who have had eating disorders? In that sense, why is there a stigma around dieting while having an eating disorder? I understand scientific reasoning. But a very obese person losing weight did that, from what I understand, while having some sort of eating disorder or while at least fighting it off. I can see how dieting brought me right back into the cycle when the diet was done, but I did not lose all the weight I wanted and only dieted for a month on something very restrictive despite enjoying the energy and progress. Maybe if I diet well for a while I will lose these habits. The confidence I've gained from the weight loss will ease my anxieties and rid me of these disorders. Is anyone who has excessively gained weight one with an eating disorder? In that sense, in anyone's opinion, is it okay to go on a diet of some sort now? What on Earth can I do?
For some reason counting calories has always felt awful to me. I can hardly explain it. It feels nitpicky, annoying, and slow. Is that the best way to lose weight with my current issues? I will do it at this point since I never really did scrutinize calories so much, I was thinking of trying it, but the fact that I've been of the mind that these eating disorders must be dealt with first has prevented me from trying.
Anyway, those are some of my questions and concerns. What can I do? Really, what can I do? I am not feeling particularly upset today. I had dinner (Sunday is early dinner for this family) and while I did grab some seconds I had nothing else and feel fine. I don't like keeping food out of the house. I like to keep it there so I can learn to fight it. Is that bad, too?
God, this IS now rambling but I'm going to leave everything for people's edification should they choose to read. I think I can find the best help this way. Thank you for reading if you have, thanks for any help that can be given.
TL;DR
I have various eating disorders and anxieties about my appearance and health. Binge eating, bulimia, I'm a hypochondriac at times, I have moderate body dysmorphia. I'm 5'6" (like two centimeters off from 5'7" for those that do some serious mathematical calculations) and I'm 210 pounds currently. My months-long maintenance is slipping.
I believe weight loss will solve many of my problems, that it will do away with my anxieties and therefore my eating disorders. Is this possible?
Is everyone who is overweight/obese those with eating disorders? (Besides those with physical diseases that causes them to gain weight/have a lot of fat) And in that case, is it okay to diet/to try to lose weight while having an eating disorder? Months of mental work has ONLY been mental work for me. I have not lost weight. I want to.
This has been long, I apologize for that. I'm a writer so this tends to happen anyway. Forgive any grammar mistakes, I've read through enough and would like to post now. I hope I did this right and that there are no complications with my posting.
Again, thanks if you read, hope there's some good advice ahead.
EDIT: Something I did not mention is that I am obsessed with pasta and foods like that, and lost a lot of money ordering out switching between pasta and Chinese food almost every day for weeks. I wondered if I had a gluten allergy or something like that, but I doubt it as I never had a bad reaction to wheat and things like that.
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