F, 18, SW: 256 / CW: 235 / GW: 15 / I, like many people who grace this subreddit, have been overweight my entire life. I have experienced many unbelievable things, good and bad, that I consider myself lucky to have had the chance to live through. Crazily enough though, I've never experienced many mundane things like shopping at straight size stores. I am friends with exclusively normal-sized people. Not on purpose, of course. It just happened like that. Since beginning my weight loss journey, I've found that talking through how being overweight makes me feel with my close friends can help me stay on track. The most articulate way I've ever expressed this would be by calling myself the Elephant in the Room.
That is to say, I often feel like a very big thing that everyone can see but will not acknowledge. I refuse to let my insecurities to stop me from living, but that doesn't mean I'm not aware of how I exist in the world. I can feel myself taking up more space. I can feel myself exhausting more resources than my thin friends. When a guy at a nightclub comes up to my girls and I, I want to say sorry. Sorry I'm the jigsaw puzzle piece that fits awkwardly. Sorry I'm the only bulb on the tree that doesn't work right. I'm sorry that I look like a cabbage patch kid inside a toy box of Barbies. I want to apologize to the photographers that took my family photos. I want to give my condolences to the retail worker who helped me pick out women's jeans when I was in elementary school. I would like to formally say grace to those who felt the impact of my chub these past 18 years.
That being said, this mentality causes me to do a great deal of checking. Checking meaning comparing myself to those around me- that girl has this many guys, that guy is with that girl who's this big, she has this many friends, blah blah blah. Constantly making sure that I'm not missing out. If this was Sesame Street, the phrase of the day would be: Left out. The Elephant in the Room who gets left out. Ironic, right? But in this time of giving thanks, I would like to impede upon you what I have learned: stop. checking.
I go back and I think of the times in my life where I felt the most alone. I realized that this was when I had the most friends. I had the most boys after me on a consistent basis. And yes, I was fat during those times. I don't even know how much I weighed then. Somewhere around 230-240. But I didn't as many friends as some people. I had less boys than some of my prettier friends. So that meant, I had no friends or boys. I was sad, alone, and destined to be that way forever. I would push people away, because I didn't think they could love a fat girl. I wanted to lock myself up into a box until I could lose the weight, and then pop out with a hot body and long, blonde beach curls. Harrison Ford with me, ideally. It's crazy- I was so busy worrying that I would miss out on the highlights of living that I missed the experiences that were right in front of me.
I'm losing weight right now, and I'm not going to stop for a long time. I am not saying you should be content in a body you don't like. What I'm saying is- being overweight is not a social death sentence. You deserve to live while you lose the weight. I see a lot of articles on the internet that say Everyone is Nicer to Thin People! Don't Try! or something like that. Is that true? Sure. I believe that. But I don't need the whole world to thirst after me. I don't need everyone to try and be my friend. The friends I have right now? They will be with me until the end. They saw fat me and thought, I love her.
If you're going to lose weight, I would not recommend doing it so the world will fall in love with you- the Elephant in the Room. Chances are, a lot of people already see you. You've just gotta put down your trunk sometimes to see them too.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2RbVC0n
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