Before I get into it, this is my first time posting on reddit and I understand that this post is about an eating disorder and that this forum is specifically for healthy and sustainable methods of weight loss. I decided to post here because my ultimate goal is to be healthy and I am trying extremely hard to do that. Sorry if this post doesn't belong here.
I am 24 years old (female), 5'6" and 127 pounds. I am trying to get to 120 or 115 at the lowest. My goal is to have the muscle which I have worked so hard to gain be more visible. I was at one point severely anorexic and dangerously underweight. The whole dieting thing sometimes brings up this strange nostalgia and comfort connected to my eating disorder. (I spend at least 8 hours a week in the gym and for some reason this isn't triggering, even though exercise was a huge part of my disorder). Its really odd because I simultaneously look back with disgust and longing. I miss the routine and the comfort that my behaviors brought me. I don't want to be unhealthy again and I am not worried that I will cave and actually restrict until I lose muscle mass/become dangerously underweight. That's not my concern. I am concerned about constantly reliving old feelings and spending so much mental energy trying to pull myself out of that headspace. Every time I log my calories I feel that way. Every time I go grocery shopping with specific meal plans in mind, I feel that way. When I weigh myself I feel that way. When I don't weight myself, all I can think about is weighing myself.
Is anyone on here recovered from an eating disorder and trying to lose weight without spiraling psychologically?
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