Battling with self acceptance and weight loss with parent who has NEVER been positive about my body

So I 26(f) have never had a good relationship with my body, and in the last few years have tried to talk to my mum about some of the things she has said and done while I was growing up to contribute to that (I’m not blaming it all on her). She never talked positively about my body, and mad me feel like absolute garbage about myself too many times to count. Here are a few examples:

1. When I was in grade 4-5 she poked my belly and said that I’d better be careful about my weight because if I gained anymore I’d start puberty soon. (I was 5’3-5’4 at the time and weighed around 100 lbs)

2. Always gave me smaller portions of everything, to the point where people (including my younger siblings would notice)

3. When I was in grade 6-7 I ate 2 granola bars between breakfast and lunch. My mom found the wrappers in the trash and asked me if I had eaten them. When I said yes she then screamed at me about all the sugar and made me go outside and run around the driveway while she watched so I would burn it off. I was sobbing the entire time.

I brought this up to her a couple years ago and she denied ever doing it. My sibling told her that they remembered it too, and my mom proceeded to go on about how she was such a terrible mother.

1. In high school she yelled at me in front of a friend for eating almonds because they were too fattening.

2. In my second year of university she told me that if I wanted a boyfriend I’d have to lose weight because guys only liked skinny girls.

3. In university I was going through a particularly stressful point in life. I went home for the weekend one summer and she proceeded to question everything I ate, and then texted me after I left to tell me that this is the biggest she’s ever seen me and told me that she was concerned for my health and that I should go on a diet, that I didn’t look good and that other people had mentioned it to her too after I left.

This has had a huge effect on my self confidence and how I see myself. It’s also put a huge strain on my relationship with food- and I’ve struggled with disordered eating in the past.

I struggle with eating in front of her, talking about anything related to being fit/healthy/happy because she’s so negative about it all, and me. I hate it when I go home and choose to have a snack with my dad because she’ll make a comment about it in one way or another. I find it really has an effect on how I see myself and my journey to becoming healthier. Has anyone else struggled with this? Have you ever fixed a relationship like this? Id really like to separate how she sees me from how I see myself but that has proven to be difficult.

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