A lot of people probably won't see this, but that's ok because I'm doing this for myself.
I am currently 17F (5"4/164cm, 128lbs/58kg), and I have been relatively chubby since I was 12. Nothing too notable to the point where I got bullied or picked on, but still, I was unhappy - I never liked the way I looked in all the cute clothes that other girls in my year could pull off. They would show off their amazing abs and toned legs in crop tops and mini shorts while I stared at my rolls and thigh fat in disgust. I would have given anything to look like them, with their perfect faces and bodies.
I remained unhappy in this chubby body until the end of 2019 (I was 16), when I finally decided to do something about this and change my body for the better. I started working out every morning before school (doing pilates) and watched what I ate. I drastically reduced my sugar consumption and was mindful of my junk food intake. I still allowed room for cheat meals of course, but these small changes gave me amazing results. The number on the scale dropped from 119lbs/54kg to 108lbs/49kg, and there was finally some definition in my abs - for the first time in my life, I felt confident and beautiful. I could wear crop tops and shorts and felt absolutely incredible.
I kept up with this healthy lifestyle into the beginning of 2020, but at this point, I started to become too conscious of what I consumed. My eating habits began to delve into dangerous territory. I downloaded a calorie tracking app, and soon I became obsessed with my daily caloric intake and the number on the scale. I had to calculate every single calorie I consumed throughout the day and soon, I eliminated all of my favourite foods just so that I could fit under my caloric threshold for the day. There were times where I would even cry for going over my daily limit by 100 calories. I was miserable, but my mindset at the time told me that this was worth it as long as I remained 'attractive'.
My breaking point occurred sometime in June this year. I fainted at school during the day because my caloric intake had been extremely low throughout the week and I had no energy. That day, I came home and decided to say 'fuck it' and ate everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) to my heart's content that I had missed out on for so long - this included carbs (such as bread, pasta, chips, cookies), cheese, sweets, ice cream, any junk you can think of etc. However, afterwards, I felt absolutely awful with myself and guilt consumed me for the rest of the night, my mind telling me 'how could you let yourself go like that? you're a disgusting piece of shit without self-control'. I told myself that this would be the first and last time that binge eating like this would happen - only it didn't. This binge-eating cycle continued into the next day, week, month and soon I found myself unable to stop eating. Thoughts of food consumed my mind, and I would pig out and eat everything whenever I felt like it. In the moment, I felt so good and just did not care about how I would feel afterwards. But I would always regret it. My body ached after these binges, and my brain would just be going through an endless cycle of guilt and shame. No matter how guilty I felt though, I just couldn't stop eating. It was like I developed an addiction to food.
Soon enough, this unhealthy lifestyle caught up to me and my weight ballooned from 108lbs/49kg in June, to 128lbs/58kgs as of yesterday, Dec 4th. My heart sank when I saw this number. Sure, I may still be in the 'healthy' weight range for my height, but it doesn't account for the physical and mental toll of this weight gain. There is no longer any definition in my stomach, and my thighs wobble every time I walk. My clothes don't fit me anymore and I have lost all confidence in how I look. Not only have I lost my confidence, but also my athletic ability, which I have failed to keep up with.
But I'm going to make a change. I've had enough of this. I'm so sick of eating until I feel physically sick, and so sick of not being able to fit into any of my clothes anymore. I'm tired of constantly feeling terrible about myself, and tired of making excuses for not exercising. It's time to change my life for the better. This journey from today onwards is not purely going to be about weight loss, but also about developing healthy eating habits and exercise routines that are sustainable in the long term. I'm allowed to eat a damn cookie or miss out a workout once in a while, but I will get back on track soon afterwards. To keep myself accountable, I'm going to log my progress onto this sub and track how I'm doing on a weekly basis. Although there is a long journey ahead in developing these healthy habits, I aim to stick to it and be the best that I damn well can be. I'll keep everything updated.
Good luck to everyone who is on a similar journey towards health!
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