I posted this on another subreddit, both are weight loss oriented so I figured this story could be shared here.
Hey y’all, I’ve been on a weight loss journey since 2018, and have done some pretty incredible feats and the weight loss communities have been so supportive. I want to share my experience along with my current struggle.
Like many people I have been overweight most of my life. About two years ago I took control into my own hands. I counted calories, ate clean, lifted weights and did cardio. It worked! It really did! I got down to 155 by my 28th birthday and I had never felt so strong, healthy and sexy in my life.
The physical stuff, although there was struggle, was easy. The mental change I didn’t pay attention to. And as I did this drastic change, my mental health hadn’t changed at all.
People noticed me. For the first time I didn’t have to wait for someone to “look past my fat”, I would just initially get hit on. Family, friends and strangers would either give me (what felt like) an absurd amount of praise or be hostile towards me. Being fat, I understand hostility, right? People are typically hostile towards fat people, but as a thin person? It stems from jealousy and envy, and that feels worse. Because I worked so hard for all this and these strangers either thirst or hate me because of my body. What I had worked so hard for.
I went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans this past year (right before the lockdowns hit). I dressed up every day, in outfits that I never in a million years would have felt comfortable in. I like dressing up! I felt so beautiful and confident. Until everywhere I went, it felt like I was getting eaten by eyes. I found myself in a lot of uneasy situations, people were way too forward than I was prepared for. There were a handful of times I had to go back to my air bnb because I couldn’t handle the attention.
Over the summer I dated someone. We were very physical early on and things were fine until I realized that he never asked anything about me. Throughout the few months we were together it became clearer that he was just dating me to sleep with me because he found me “hot”. I broke it off and I tried dating a little bit but the next two dates I went on unfolded into situations I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
I’m really sad. Through all this I’ve gotten myself back up to 200, and as upset as I have been I’ve had to really think about why I allowed myself to do this.
The conclusion I came up with is I feel safer from people when I’m heavier. I’m not prey when I’m invisible. I don’t want to be fat but I can’t seem to kick myself out of the uneasiness I was in when I was thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do what I was able to before.
I want to be healthy, I felt so good when I was healthier. I’m now making steps everyday towards a healthier life but I keep thinking of all the crap I dealt with before. Can anyone relate to this? Honestly I’m embarrassed and ashamed to be back at this point, but I know I can get out of it.
I’m not sure if advice, validation or just the need to cry about what I haven’t been able to talk about is why I posted this. If anyone else feels the same or has gone through a similar path, I’m there with you. We’ll get back to it.
Thank you for reading.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3lusaAO
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