Hi! So I (30F) have been overweight/obese most of my life. I have tried to lose weight way too many times, but only the last two count: 2011 and 2016-2017. I did it by myself, and in my second attempt, although I didn't keep the weight off, I got my diabetic mother to get off the insulin -thanks to the diet I "prescribed" to the entire family, my mom had her sugar level stable and didn't need injected insulin anymore.
But in 2017 I was so, so depressed... I started therapy. And gained the weight back. And maybe some more, I don't know. Many things have happened ever since, some of them great, none of them included weight loss. 2020 has been pretty rough (lost my job, my apartment, my independence, and I turned 30). The last two weeks of the year have really hit me hard.
I knew I had to start. It's the topic of my life. I'm not the only one who feels that way, am I? So I decided I wanted to do it, this time for real. When there's a student, there's a mentor, or so they say. In my case, a former classmate who happens to be a licensed dietitian had a good deal for her new clients, so I decided to give it a try.
I don't know how much I weight. I don't want to know anything but my progress. She knows, and that's enough. I still don't have any specific food plan, just some general guidelines and ideas to develop healthier habits. I started last Friday and well... My sister is visiting (leaving soon) and we're having lunch out every now and then. Plus other circumstances I'm not gonna bore you with. This Friday I'm visiting my dietitian again and I'm so scared...
What if I haven't lost anything? What if I've actually gained weight? I know this week's not my regular week and I shouldn't be hard on myself, but still I feel so out of control. Plus the thoughts that keep rushing in my head. Meditation helps.
What scares me the most, though, is that this is for life. No more Doritos bags in one sitting. No more pizza for one. No more filling myself until I get my senses numb. My therapist -always honest, but God I needed her in a sweeter mode this time- says this is about seeing food as fuel, not as the emotional cushion we've turned it into. She's gone through massive weight loss during the last three years, so she know what she's saying.
But what, then? Who or what will be there? My family, like many others, is sad and broken. For reference, I'm usually the sanest, healthiest of us all. If I succeed, in some months I'll look prettier, but the world will still be insane and I'm not sure I'll enjoy it. And the compliments by neighbors and random people disgust me. Last time I rolled with it, but this time I just want to be mean and lash back.
I know one way to make it through this is focusing on the things I'll gain, not the things I'll lose/miss.
I want to run. I want to buy nicer clothes and just enjoy myself more. I want to find a loving partner. Theoretically I wouldn't need to lose weight for this, but in reality, I do. I'll have more energy. And hopefully, I'll like life more.
I just need to make it through this rage that is burning inside. And through the fear that is making me sick.
Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading. Hopefully I'll share some milestones in a month :).
Lots of love to everybody.
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