I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I don't have memories of running around and playing with friends, I have memories eating chips and watching tv alone. I always felt different alienated by the other kids around me. I was overweight and a total crybaby. This made me a prime target for bullying. I had been "trying" to lose weight since I was 11 and over 100lbs but I never stuck to anything. Fast forward to age 20, my highest weight and lowest point ever was 250lbs. I was unemployed and had dropped out of college. I felt disgusted, I would avoid pictures at all cost. I still to this day dont have a picture of myself on Facebook (for better or for worse). I decided that enough was enough. I got a job and started keto for the umpteenth time last year. I don't know what happened, but this time I stuck to it, at least for a few months. I essentially shut myself in. If I wasn't working I was at home figuring out how to make bacon, eggs, and avocado taste different then last night. That went on for around 5-6 months. The weight started melting off of me and while I stopped enjoying food altogether, I was losing weight which was all that mattered. However the only progress I ever saw was the number on the scale going down. My friends came back from school for winter break and they all were shocked at just how much weight I had lost. I was around 200lbs, 50lbs down from my highest. They all saw what I didn't see, progress. I felt ashamed every time they complimented me. I felt like they were lying to me about my how I looked. My self esteem wouldn't let me be proud of myself. But still, they were proud of me and wanted me to join them in celebrating winter break and my weight loss. However I, declined as I couldn't drink or eat anything they were having. I started to get angry, it wasn't fair in my eyes that they could seemingly eat and drink whatever they wanted and not have to go through what I go through. In some sort of self destructive fit, I spent the next few weeks eating anything and everything. By January, I ballooned right back up to 230. I started to think that I was never meant to be fit and healthy as if I wasn't worthy of happiness. It was at this time that something changed in my head about how I was going to continue to treat myself. I thought if I felt so seemingly alone in the world, then why wasn't I being the person who cared about me the most instead of the least. I signed myself back up for classes and switched to a CICO diet. Anytime I fell of the wagon (which happened a lot) I would immediately go back to 1500cal as if nothing happened. I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I had been on keto but it has been way more sustainable (and enjoyable!). Today I am down to 182lbs. 2lbs shy of 70lbs lost in total. I now have a job and am getting ready to transfer from community college to a university. If you would have told me that in 2 years my life would be in the state it is today, I wouldn't have believed you. For the first time in my life, I feel proud of myself.
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