Friday, October 12, 2018

The Fear of Being the "Fat Kid"

I was talking with a coworker a few days ago who was commenting on my weight loss, mentioning he had lost a lot of weight after being heavier as a kid. "You'll always be a fat kid in your mind," he said. He was right.

The low-mid-160s seems like a fine place for me to be scale-wise in my mind. I recently had surgeries on each of my knees, and that process meant I actually briefly broke into the 150s, but I decided that that number seemed too low to me. So I resolved finally to shift gears and start doing what gym-rats call recomposition - not maintenance, but trying to add muscle and shed fat at the same time.

I think it's working? My love handles feel noticeably smaller, though I suspect that most of the fat I have left to lose is still in my butt. I'm not 100% sure it's working, is my point. If I strain my eyes just so, things look ... smaller ... I think?

But the number on the scale is going up, and I'm shocked at how panicked that makes me feel. It's been going down steadily for 16 months, and I've made more progress than was previously imaginable, but I've added 2-3 pounds in the last two weeks and I'm kinda freaking out about it.

But I should be gaining weight if I'm adding the muscle I think I'm adding. I was doing a pullup program that just wrapped up with a 10-minute pullup challenge (I got through 32 pullups in 10 minutes, which is obviously represents new muscle that I've added).

But I'm not sure how to deal with this fear. I saw 167 the other day and my heart rate jumped. Now, 167 is fine. Under no colorable definition of anything is that heavy, especially for a person who's lifting 4 days a week and eating in the 2000-2200 calorie range with 170g protein every day. I know these things. But that number freaked me all the way the heck out.

Has anybody else who finished and moved into maintenance felt this? Because I had thought losing the weight would make me less sensitive, but like that coworker said, the body image issues that come with having been heavy my entire life ... they're really a thing.

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