19F 50kg/110lbs 160cm - Seriously derailing myself, don't know what to do anymore

Hi everyone. Hope you're having a good day!

I'm caught in an awful cycle of restricting and binging, feel awful, isolated, a failure and don't know what to do.

I lost 10kg last year in 4 months (from 58kg to 48kg). I then proceeded to continue to lose another 4kg in the next 3 months. I recovered from this low weight of 44-45kg (BMI 17.5) but have shot all the way up to around 50kg - 110.2 lbs (BMI 20 or so for my height of 5"3'.) I'm not happy with this at all, I feel quite flabby and my clothes feel so tight.

I am trying to lose 6 or so pounds to a weight of around 47.5kg - still healthy but at a weight I can be happy and body positive about. In trying to do this for the past few months I've been isolating myself from family and friends, yet have nothing to show for it because of my binging undoing any progress. Any time I tell myself I'll allow myself to feel full and not hungry today to focus on revision - I'm a med student with upcoming exams - I end up binging. Either I'm starving or I'm stuffed full from a binge, there seems to be no in between. I don't exercise but average around 8K steps a day.

Last week of eating looked like this (calorie counts included if I know them)

Monday:

1 carrot, 3 mushrooms, 2 malted milk biscuits, 1 apple, handfuls of lettuce and spinach, tea with skimmed milk, 1/2 cucumber, 3 celery sticks, 15 pieces of sugar free chewing gum

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Tuesday:

1/2 a tuna sandwich, 1 carrot, 3 mushrooms, 2 malted milk biscuits, 1 apple, handfuls of lettuce and spinach, 15 pieces of sugar free chewing gum, tea with skimmed milk, 1/2 cucumber, 3 celery sticks

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Wednesday,

Miso soup (40 cals), 1 cucumber, 1 carrot, 3 mushrooms, 1 apple, handfuls of lettuce and spinach, 15 pieces of sugar free chewing gum, tea with skimmed milk, 1/2 cucumber, 3 celery sticks

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Thursday

1/2 cucumber, 1 carrot, 3 mushrooms, 1 apple, handfuls of lettuce and spinach, 15 pieces of sugar free chewing gum, tea with skimmed milk, 3 celery sticks, 1 malted milk biscuit, 1 tangerine, 1 chicken 6 inch sub

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Friday

1/2 a veggie sausage roll, apple, 3 small pieces of mango, seaweed snack pack (25 cals)

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Saturday (a binge day)

A cheese, hummus and falafel panini (600), a chocolate covered flapjack (470), 2 slices of Costa coffee cake (1200 cals), Lion chocolate bar duo (400), crisps (200), medium apple, 2 choco digestives (200)

I know, absolutely disgusting.

Sunday:

1/2 cucumber, 1 carrot, 3 mushrooms, 1 apple, handfuls of lettuce and spinach, 15 pieces of sugar free chewing gum, tea with skimmed milk, 3 celery sticks, medium apple

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I've become so depressed and slighly suicidal because of this failure to change my body image, especially when I achieved such a massive weight loss in the past and had no problems with binging. I have no desire to become unhealthily underweight again, but just want to shift those few pounds and keep failing. I've become isolated too as everyone just believes I'm still always restricting and are just thankful I'm no longer underweight.

If anyone could give me some general advice on how to lose the weight and stop binging I'd be very grateful. I'd particularly love to hear how long it took people at similar stats to mine (BMI 20 to BMI 18.5 journeys) to lose the weight and how they did it. Really need some hope right now. Thank you for reading this far.

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