I might end up on r/fatlogic for this but whatever
As of writing this I'm around 19 years old, 5'4", and 133-135 pounds. I'm wrapping up my freshman year of college, which has been challenging in every single sense of the word. My goal weight is about 125ish or to feel comfortable with myself. I'm on all the 1200 subs except 1200ipketo (I'll do a lot of things to lose weight but cutting out carbs completely is not one of them), but my goal is to not have to survive on 1200- for the rest of my goddamned life.
In my earlier teen years I always went up and down in the 140s. I was on swim team and had practices 5-6 times a week, and either walked or biked to school most days. Despite hating my weight for being so high I was always hungry and didn't really watch what I ate. I don't swim on swim team here in college but I still go to the gym at least 5-6 times a week, swimming 2-3 times, lifting weights 3-4, and getting on a treadmill/stationary bike when there's a good collection of youtube videos I want to watch.
I've been trying so hard to get to goals of 1428, 1200, or even 1000 calories a day. I've only been able to do that for about a day at a time before I binge, get mad at myself, try to compensate, and end up repeating the cycle. My averages end up anywhere between 1600-2250 in any given week. I am always super stressed out and being a freshman in an out of state college where you assume everyone is going to hate you doesn't help. I wasn't even losing until February but now I've lost a few pounds...and my period. When I am successful in getting my calories under even 1500 my body feels weak, sometimes like a heated bubble bath and sometimes extremely cold. Sometimes I get dizzy standing up. Also last week my blood pressure got so low from fasting I got sent to the emergency room, until I ate and got it back up.
I spend so much time obsessing over how to reduce my calories that I really don't focus on school enough to feel like a college student that deserves to be here. I've tried abstaining from food entirely for a couple of days, but fasting gives me brain fog and makes me want to die. And I feel like I have to be a low weight and have high grades at the same time and I'm not equipped for both yet. I've spent more emotional and mental energy being horrified of the freshman 15 than my finals!
It makes me so uncomfortable to suggest something about slowing my weight loss down, thinking that I probably would benefit from eating more than the measly 1200 that I have tried and failed to force myself to... but I'd rather lose slowly and not mess up my body any more than I already have.
My mom has horror stories of being on 200 calories a day and despite hours of walking and sports never dipping under 120 pounds (at 5'6" and 20, mind you) and how now at 46 her metabolism is all messed up. That's not the future I want. I blow on dandelions wishing for a BMR of 2100. I think I'm thankful for my constant failure to fast or restrict under 1200 now.
I mean, my habits have gotten *slightly* better. At the start of college I was binging on junk food and nut butters and looking at 2300+ days like 3 times a week and now I call a 250 calorie bowl of fruit a lot for a snack. I also try to be consistent with protein intake and eat more whole foods than I ever did in high school. Unfortunately most things that aren't protein or produce are triggers now because I'm like "why did I waste 10% on my calories on a piece of chocolate that didn't help me hit my fiber goals OR my protein goals? Ugh i'm so awful! I'm the worst!!" *blows another 10% of my calories on cereal or nut butter, plans to restrict next day, either feels terrible from lack of calories or from abandoning restriction plans and eating sufficient calories*
Not sorry for fat logic here. Chocolate and peanut butter should be foods that can be occasionally enjoyed without guilt or triggering awful feelings. This low calorie goal is not letting me do that.
I honestly don't know where I stand in the weight loss game, how to handle it, or even what sub this rant belongs in. Like my BMI says I'm healthy but my body and mind are under distress.
tl;dr i feel like a weak glutton making excuses for not being able to meet my goals but i'm not even sure how healthy reaching them would actually be considering how messed up i feel mentally and even physically
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2vtLlDC
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