[Crosspost/Maintenance] Hit 6 months of maintenance.. sort of?

So I posted this a few weeks ago to r/ownit and a well-loved member of r/loseit recommended that I post it here as well to share my struggles and maybe see if anyone else has any advice or words of encouragement for me. On a more positive note: I am only 4 weeks away from my first marathon: Marine Corp Marathon! As an update: I have began counting my calories again at -1lb a week, but struggle to stick to the number. Below is the original post:

Hello all,

I just recently reached 6 months of maintaining a 140lb weight loss, while coping with BED and food addiction. Im proud of this but I wish I felt more excited about it but I’m really still struggling. I gave myself a 5ish pound range of 175-180. I have managed to stay under 180 for the most part (aside from a few weigh ins of 181). However, I’m definitely on the edge, or the upper end of my range.

I stopped counting calories for about a month, just to experiment with different maintenance styles. There were some upsides to this: I stopped obsessing about food, bad foods, good foods, etc. I stopped overeating on foods I like because I had a mentality that ‘I can eat this anytime’ and that really stopped me from overindulging. I stopped beating myself up over numbers so much. I ate when I was hungry instead of ignoring my hunger. I was a lot happier and felt normal for once.

However, I’m not sure if I gained weight in that month and that’s what’s causing my weight to be in the upper numbers. I’ve gone back to calorie counting this week.

I’ve always been a perfectionist and have black and white thinking. I can’t seem to get over some seriously draining mentalities in maintenance:

• I beat myself up for not being in the lower end of my range.
• I constantly feel like I need to lose more weight.
• I feel guilty for eating my exercise calories (even though I’m marathon training and burning a LOT).
• Whenever I see red in MFP I feel terribly guilty.
• The scale causes me panic. If I see it go down it’s a good day. If it goes up I get depressed. I can’t separate my emotions from the number. I overreact regardless of if the number is up or down.
• I feel guilty for wanting ‘bad’ foods.
• I have no idea what’s normal to eat or how much.
• I can’t stop envisioning myself gaining all the weight back.
• I sometimes have drastic thoughts like fasting or trying appetite suppressants to keep the weight off.
• I always think I’m gaining weight even when I might not be.
• I never feel in control of my weight or my body, even when I’m counting calories (unless I’m 100% perfect everyday).
• If I go out to eat I feel guilty for my choices (unless it’s salad).
• I’ve become exhausted at the idea of losing more weight. If, let’s say, I gained 3-4 pounds, I know it will take months to lose it again and I feel defeated.
• I feel like I haven’t succeeded at this big “lifestyle change.” Even after all this time. I don’t automatically reach for a healthy option, I force myself to and I resent it.

I really don’t know how to handle any of this, and I can’t afford therapy or anything. I’m exhausted after nearly 3 years of working on my weight and my relationship with food. I’ve tried to think more positively and remember why I lost all the weight, I make lists about my life now vs then and how it’s better now. I do all that stuff.

I don’t want to give up, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like it’s my ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’ to be fat, because I have been since childhood.

I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice here or just venting. I think my thinking is so warped but I dunno how to change it or eat less. All I want is to succeed at this maintenance thing.

submitted by /u/atheistarfroot
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2NKZNT7