Ho. Ly. Crap. I just started dancing in the bathroom and almost burst into happy and shocked tears! Oh Mr. Scale, what a tumultuous relationship we've had. But we stuck with it and kept working and now we're in a good place and I love you. 137. You just showed me the number 137.
I began my journey in earnest right after having my baby on Sep 8th 2017. Well, right after recovering from having my baby, haha. I won't go into all the details as I've done that here before and shared Before/After pics when I hit the 100-lbs lost mark. I managed to lose 105-lbs in 9 months and was in the best shape of my life, in a great place physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was running 5k+(3.1miles) 4+ days a week. I was alternating between training to improve my 5k time and to increase my distance. My best distance was over 6.5 miles (a bit over 10k) and my best 5k time was 28.26 iirc. My lowest weight was 141.8 and my GW was 135. Then I metaphorically stumbled and fell into an emotional slump.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety since middle school, and my weight even before that. As an adult I went through 6 years of Narcissistic/Sociopathic abuse (it's some really messed up shit, Google it). It's been almost 2 years since getting away from that relationship and I was doing great for a long time, got my mental and physical health under control and life had never been better. Seems I may have just been riding the high of having gotten out and succeeding in my fitness goals and gaining the confidence of major weight loss. Seems I may have what's known as Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). It's not exactly common from what I read, maybe 1 in 4 C-PTSD victims, but seems mine has been delayed onset. Depression and anxiety have come raging back in full force, feeling crippling at some points. Again, won't go into all those details either, but suffice it to say I hit a real low. I stopped running, stopped eating mindfully, I just stopped. I even stopped taking my medications for PCOS. That was 2-3 months ago. I didn't weigh myself for about 2 months. I could feel the weight creeping back, I could feel my body changing and weakening and that just made it all worse. I was so sure that I had gained back at least 10-lbs and wouldn't have been surprised if it was more like 20. I was so afraid to get on the scale and check. A week or two ago I finally did. 143.8. Amazingly I hadn't really gained anything back. However I'm absolutely certain my body composition regressed. I was actually gaining muscle tone, now I'd lost muscle and gained fat. But the scale being about the same at least gave me the hope I needed to start getting back on track. I went for a run for the first time in those 2-3 months just last week. I have a lot of ground to makeup but I did manage to do a full mile in 10:09. It was tough but I did it. I think I could've pushed farther but I just didn't feel in the right mindset, I didn't feel mentally strong enough or determined enough. But it's a start. I'm getting my eating back under control too. Being broke helps with that XD. Though it does add to stress and anxiety and lately it doesn't seem to take much to send me into a panic attack :\. All that cortisol is probably not helping with the weight loss :\
But 2 weeks or so ago I got back on my meds and have been somewhat more mindful about what I eat and trying to walk more to get myself up and moving again and work towards the level of exercise and activity I had reached before. I weight myself a couple times the first few days and staying steady at 143.8. Then went, idk, almost 2 weeks without weighing in. Now just about an hour ago I finally did! And I was so amazed to see 137!!!! I probably haven't weighed that since, god, I don't even know when, since I was a child, maybe middle school. So by far the lowest weight I've ever been my entire adult life. I can't believe I hit the 130s. I am in the 130s, I dreamed of that for so, so long. My original GW, as I said, was 135. I've now knocked it back to 125. That's a slippery slope, I know. I can't lower it every time i get close, but looking at my body I'm quite sure I can still lose that much. And that moves on to a frustrating aspect of things.
PCOS affects where/how your body stores excess fat, and it's primarily around the middle, causing the whole "apron" affect. I'm 5'5, 137lbs, BMI is 22.8, according to [this BMI pagge](https://halls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htm) I weigh in at the 26th percentile for my height/gender/age. That's amazing. 74% of women my height/age weigh more than me! I should look thin. But I've got this horrible pouch of fat that still makes me look and feel, well, fat. I'm 135-lbs and I feel fat as fuck. Another slippery slope, I know. It's just really disheartening to know that I will need surgery to achieve the body I want. The body I've worked so hard for. The body I've daydreamed about my entire life. It's demoralizing to have reached a BMI off 22.8 and still look fat. If ya don't believe me I can share pics and show you it's not just body dysphoria...but it ain't pretty to look at.
Though one more good development to end on a good note! After such rapid major weight loss my hair started falling out like crazy. I felt like i was pulling out clumps of hair with every shower, heck, I was! This was back like 3+ months ago when I was still on track. I was concerned with my level exercise while still trying to lose some weight that I wasn't consuming enough calories, that perhaps I was starving my body, causing my hair to fall out. And women with PCOS sometimes suffer male pattern baldness so that scared me a lot. It was reaching a point that it was making me self-conscious, I felt like surely it was visible, that soon I'd have a bald spot! I've always taken pride in my hair as I felt so insecure about most everything else. I have (or had) this great full, thick curly hair full of body. I talked to my doctor about it and he did some blood work and said everything looked great, my body was healthy. I did some reading and learned that after rapid major weight loss it's not uncommon to see your hair thin. Your body kind of ends up in shock and your follicle cycle goes out of whack. Hairs grow in cycles, some follicles are active while some are dormant. When they go out of whack they can go dormant without the next cycle of follicles activating again, hence the thinning. What I read said it could take up to 6 months but typically once the body adjusts and good health is maintained the cycle kicks into normal gear again. And I finally seem to have reached that point in only about 2 months of time rather than the potential 6. I can see a whole bunch of hair growing back in. Right now it's about 2 inches long, the new hairs. And I'm pulling out way less in the shower. It looks a bit scraggly at the moment, lol, with the majority of my long hair appearing quite thinned out and that first 2 inches or so looking fuller, but it's coming back and that's what matters. Only a matter of time until I've got my full, glorious mane back XD! And I will use that time to continue improving my body and before I know it it will all come together into a very good look =D. Minus the bit only surgery will improve :\.
Phew! That ended up being wwaayyyy longer than I intended, haha. Been a while since I've checked in and the words just kind of started flowing, lol. To those who made it to the end, I appreciate the substantial time spent to do so :p. Keep up the hard work, losers!
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