Please let me know if this is an inappropriate post for this subreddit. It might be more appropriate on r/relationships so, I'll post there as well.
I guess I'm just reaching out for some words of wisdom before I end up hurting myself.
I (21f) currently weigh the most I ever have (172 at 5'5). My husband and I just had our third anniversary, and when we got married I weighed 150. My husband has let me know in the past that it would help our marriage if I were to lose weight. Before and after him saying this I attempted weight loss countless times, without much results. I haven't been professionally diagnosed but I've considered myself depressed for a few years.
Before we were married my husband was completely infatuated and in love with me, and staring at me, and I loved every bit of it. It seemed to just stop after we got married; it was a stressful year for both of us which caused me to gain weight and him to stop showing me the kind of affection he previously did. And my current body type is just not what he's attracted to, at all.
Well, two nights ago when we were getting ready for bed he asked me "what is your deepest darkest secret?" and I told him I wasn't sure, I'd need to think of one. "Why do you ask? Do you have one?" He kind of giggled and said yeah but he can't tell me (in a way that hinted he wanted to tell me). So I told him that he can tell me absolutely anything, and it won't change the way I feel about him. I'll always love him, all this kind of stuff.
So about 15 minutes of him trying to tell me, he finally blurts out "I think (my sisters name) is cute" and then he hides under the blanket. I responded "well, she is! everyone thinks she's cute" (Which is true. She's 18 months younger than me, and she's adorable. She's also the exact size I wish I was.) He says "That's not the response I thought I would get. I have a crush on her." I was speechless. In that moment I was still in the frame of mind that he could tell me anything and nothing is going to change. He explained that he has had these feelings for her for years and his fantasy is him holding both of our hands at the same time. I didn't say anything for a long time. I said "I love you" and he....said... "I love you. I just love you both."
???????? Idk how that's supposed to be okay, it's like he's making us equal in his mind.
It was very late and eventually he fell asleep, and my mind started racing. I know that my husband and my sister have no 1 on 1 communication, and I know my sister SO well and I'm sure she doesn't have feelings for him. She seems him as exactly what he is: her brother-in-law. But my heart aches from seeing my husband act like an excited school girl while talking about my sister instead of me. He also mentioned that he doesn't want to change anything externally, he just needed to get his thoughts out of his head because he was feeling guilty about keeping it to himself.
I slept for a maximum of one hour that night.
The next day we were texting while he was at work and he said "I'm glad I told you, it's been driving me crazy". I replied "I wish you were crazy about me" and he said "same". I cried instantly. I mean, I could tell for a couple years that he doesn't look at me the same way he used to. But this hurt like a truck. A while later I responded "how long has it been since you've been crazy about me?" "Don't be mad, but I'm not even sure." "I won't be mad, I just need to know." "If we're talking about crazy crazy, it's been since 2014 or 2015 (we got married end of 2015)."
So now I know how he's felt about me our whole marriage. I know he's only talking about me physically, and he loves who I am. But ouch. ouch ouch ouch. I've absolutely adored my husband since the day we met. I'm literally an excited school girl when I see him. I have butterflies when we make eye contact.
So, yesterday I ate one taco (probably 300 calories), and today I plan on eating nothing. My sister is 5'7 and weighs about 115. I NEED to lose my weight for my marriage. I know his actions aren't my fault but I crave his affection. I'd do anything for him to be crazy about me again.
Last night it was late, but I couldn't fall asleep again. He told me he wants to talk more about this, but it was too late (2 am with work in the morning). I just needed to know that I was the most important person to him, or that he wouldn't leave me, or just something to hold on to. I asked something like "I just need to know that I'm still enough for you" and he couldn't respond to that, which absolutely shattered my heart again. "Don't make me try to say specific things right now. We need to talk about stuff and I'm too tired right now. But I'm not going anywhere."
So, at least I had the "I'm not going anywhere" to hold on to. But I started sobbing. and he fell asleep anyway.
Listen, if you read to this point, thank you. There's a lot more I could say. Every other aspect of our marriage has been perfect up to this point. We love talking and spending time together. I am so conflicted and hurt. I literally don't want to eat until he looks at me the way he used to, or talks about me the way he talked about my sister.
TLDR; have had a nearly perfect marriage until i gained weight. my husband still loves me but confessed he has a crush on my sister who has the perfect, small body that he prefers. i'm prescribing myself indefinite fasting. help. <3
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2QWqNfD
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