I have always been fat. I am 34 years old and female. Some of my very first memories were understanding that I am fat and that it's bad. I had horrible self esteem that was directly tied to my body size. I was bullied at school and shamed at home. As you might guess, this lead to bulimia cycle and the eventual development of binge eating disorder. By the time I turned 20, I was around 300lbs. I yoyo'd for a few years, dropping 40lbe, gaining 30, etc. When I was 25, I had VSG surgery and lost 100lbs. At 190, it was the first time as an adult I weighed less than 200lbs. I felt AMAZING. I was confident, strong, fearless, and free. I wasn't thin yet, but I was able to do things in my body that I never could before, like sit in chairs without having to test them first and shop in the average sized section of stores. It was bliss, and I worked hard to keep that going for four years. I swore I'd never go back.
Then I got pregnant and every fiber in my being centered around eating food. I never got morning sickness or nausea. I got food cravings constantly and I was never not obsessing about food. I gained four lbs a week almost every week. I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat while I was still sleeping. I learned later that this is also an eating disorder. I weighed 312lbs when my daughter was born. A few weeks after my weight leveled out around 280, and it stayed there. I started therapy to talk about my food and body issues, during which I was introduced to intuitive eating and radical fat acceptance.
I was floored and thought I had finally found my people. I rallied against weight loss, advocated for letting your body decide what to eat and how much. I started a radical fat acceptance IG account and preached to all my friends about the horrid of the diet industry (some still ring true now, but that's late stage capitalism for you) Guess what happened over he next several months? I gained 60lbs. It is god awful. I have compressed nerve pain in my hips the makes it hard to sit. I can't keep up running after my four year old. I am constantly in fear of having a heart attack, even though my vitals are completely normal. I have sleep apnea that makes getting rest impossible and I feel like a total sloth. I am not setting a good example for activity level for my daughter, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and I'm just ready to call bullshit on it all.
But I just really need help. I have done so many diets and read so much about it all and even studied nutrition in college, but my head is muddled with so much information that I don't know where to start. I'm afraid I'll fail, again, and get fatter, again. I just want my small body back. I don't even care if I'm truly thin, I just want to feel like I'm not living inside of 300lbs of dead weight. I want to hike without worrying about whether or not I can make it up a small hill. I I used to climb 15,000 foot mountains for fun! I used to hitchhike and walk 20+ miles in a day! I want to be that person again. So full of energy and happy. But, I need support and guidance and.. help.
TL;DR I'm fat as fuck and want help with where to start and who to talk to when I'm feeling like I can't do it
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2YFdXI8
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