About a year and a half ago I started my weight loss journey. I’ve limited portions and limited carb intake but not exactly keto, as I’m often asked. I have lost 122 lbs. Going from my heaviest at 280-158 lbs. The last six months I spent stumbling, I’d eat well for the most part but then would comfort eat the heck out of stuff with my boyfriend. I would also stress eat (which was one of my biggest issues and this journey has allowed me to see I do have a food addiction and an unhealthy love/relationship with food).
It got to the point some weeks where I’d say “screw it, I’ve lost so much weight I deserve to splurge for a little bit.” And so I would. Again, overeating was a nasty habit I coddled for many, many years but this journey has allowed me to be more consciously aware of this now.
The last three months, of the past six, I had basically given up eating well entirely. I’d eat out with friends, started going to fast food places more often than cooking, binge eating late night snacks while watching movies or bored, etc. By the grace of god I only gained about 6 pounds during this time.
A week ago I decided to truly stick to it. I’d had enough. I’d had enough of the sick and abusive mental cycle I was putting myself through. Talking terribly to myself. Hiding myself, even sometimes shame eating (id stay up until everyone was asleep so that I could eat more). Not to be TMI, but my digestive system was as an absolute mess (very painful vowel movements, often.) My mental health was plummeting and aside from a few things that always have been stuck in my mind, I couldn’t figure out WHY it was getting so bad.
This past week though, I have already lost a pound. I already feel my energy returning. I feel so dang proud when I’m offered a soda or something icky (yet delicious) to eat and I turn it down. I’m finally complimenting myself and reminding myself I’m strong, instead of telling myself I’m a fat pile of shit. My mental health also feel better. I feel less cloudy. Less stuck. And with this new positive reinforcement I’m doing in my head, it’s just making my outlook better all around.
I’ve remembered why I started this. Not to look better, though it is a bonus, but to FEEL better. I feel better already in multiple facets and it’s only been a week since restarting. It’s hard to remember why you started this when you’re in the middle of the mess. Telling yourself this garbage food is fine and it’s delicious and it’s making you happy, so it has to be okay right? Wrong. It’s a facade. When you realize what giving your body real FUEL for food does to you mentally and physically, you remember why you’re doing this. You remember those old habits never made you happy, they enabled the things that made you feel the worst.
I’m so very happy to have remembered, and to feel so excited to continue.
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