Self-sabotaging because I’m afraid I’ll gain it back

If you follow the daily accountability posts you’ve maybe seen my recent struggles.

I’ve lost about 30lbs since January 163/165> 136 and I’m really pleased. My goal weight is 125 and then I want to focus on recomp and fitness more.

I pride myself and advise others often to make their “cheat” days maintenance days instead. You still get indulgence but without setting back progress. I had said I’ve only had 3 full blown cheat days since January and I was proud of that.

Now I’ve had 2 this week.

So I tried to look into weight loss mental fatigue last night. Why do I feel so tired of dieting? Not literally tired but mentally tired?

Part of it, I just started an intense grad school program. I’m mentally exhausted, frustrated I’m struggling in a class, and spending 6-8 hours a day on my ass doing school work.

The weather is hot and I’m being a lazy bum about going out in it.

It’s been 6 months and I want to be done, but done never happens, because then you have to maintain. This thought has led me to the real thing:

I’m afraid I won’t maintain. My husband has planned a shopping trip for me. He’s using his rewards from work to take me shopping for new clothes before school starts up, I’m a teacher. But I’m terrified when school starts I’ll gain it all back.

I’m afraid I can’t maintain. So lately I keep over eating, but luckily I haven’t gained. And it’s almost like on one hand I’m proving to myself I can maintain and be bad, but also just telling myself I’m “maintaining” when I full well know I’m not, I’m falling into old habits.

I haven’t got to this weight since college and I’ve never maintained it working. I don’t want to count calories for ever but as a small woman, I don’t see how I wil be able to not at least somewhat. And I don’t want to waste money!! (Also RIP to my boobs, I miss them. Not making me feel the best that they’re long gone and my thighs are still down here smacking and rubbing together).

So I just thought I’d share my struggle. I usually seem confident and easily give advice but I’m kinda gettin my ass kicked right now mentally.

I’m hoping having awareness of this fear will help me tackle it appropriately and beat this thingy.

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